The Art of an Effective Pack

PACK #1 - The 'yes' pack. The yes pack is composed of a group of people who give each other moral support no matter what.

Sounds like a great idea in theory as it's good for the ego, but it's downright ineffective idea as a tool for personal growth. That's the group when even if you're wrong about something you're complaining about, will agree with you because that's how they define loyalty.

Here's an example: If you're venting to your pack about your significant other and you're clearly the one at fault, the pack will still refer to your partner as 'the bastard' in your defense and call it honor.

In other words, you'll always be right when you incite your friends to support you - it's the 'common enemy' factor... and they love being incensed on your behalf whether you deserve it or not.

PACK #2 - The party pack. The party pack is composed of people who are always ready to support you in getting away from your problems.

They're awesome when it comes to good-ol' fashioned escapism. When you call them up to vent, share your pain, or ask for an opinion, they say:

"Dude that sucks. Why don't you come out with us tonite and fuggetaboutit"?

And you know there will always be a pack heading to the bar or someone's house to whoop it up, buy you a beer, lend you their couch when you're too drunk to go home and offer you a tylenol in the morning.

And then there's...

PACK #3 - The 'Tell-it-like-it-is' pack. These guys are the ones who don't let you get away with squat but support what's in your best interest at the time.

The thing is, you might not always like them because their function is to kick your ass when you need it, tell you things you don't want to hear (and sometimes it sucks to find out you're in the wrong).

Generally, when they see something out of whack, they keep at it until you see the way it really is, not the way you'd like it to be. And every tell-it-like-it-is pack has someone in it who, when they see something painfully wrong with you, will call one of the other pack members and say:

"Guys, I think we need an intervention."

This is the tough-love pack.

The ones who will sacrifice their friendship with you if they see you going down the wrong path and you stubbornly refuse to do anything about it.

The ones whose very conduct influences yours for the better and they don't even have to say anything... they're just on the path of bettering their lives and if you're not along for the ride, well...

sooner or later, you'll find yourself without a pack.

Now, the fact that my support systems have a higher standard to which they think I should aspire can be a royal pain in the ass, so it's not always pleasant or easy...

There are days when all I really want to do is throw in the towel, run away to some remote island and fish for my dinner,(all for the wrong reasons) and play solitaire for the rest of my life, but my pack knows it's not in my true nature to be a recluse for long so they don't let me.

Sure, I can have a few days to lick my wounds, sit on the pity pot and whine about how life has handed me the short end of the stick and pretend I'm working so hard so I can get the sympathy vote, but my days are numbered.

And nothing could make me happier than to know I can count on being told like it is, until I finally decide to get my act together and proceed with the business of life the way I am meant to.

So for what it's worth, thanks to my AP, to Jim, to my boys (who still think I should shoot for the stars after all these years) and to everyone else along the way who puts up with my ups and downs....

Thanks to my tell-it-like-it-is pack.

The Art of a Strong Support System - PART III

I feel stuck this morning.

Not in a really bad way. Just in a I-want-to-get-to-my-writing-but-not-motivated kind of way. The discipline is probably there, but the will is lacking.

Thank God for discipline because I'll do it anyway.

And thank God for my support systems because this is a day I will probably call upon them for a little distraction and pick-me-up.

And if they're all busy? I'll rent a movie or two, pull out those books I need to finish, and carry on.

Getting moral support from your friends is never set in stone. Nor is it a black and white proposition. It requires the malleability of understanding and a certain maturity. Just because they can't today, doesn't mean they wont tomorrow. Or the next day.

It also requires a knowing that you can go it alone today if you have to. Life is built on these sorts of waves and they always pass. Besides, it doesn't mean you are being abandoned by your pack.

I think that's a mistake many people make as they feel 'let down' by others for not being there every time they need them. But perhaps their tank was empty too. Or they needed their energy for other matters they didn't particularly wish to share at the time. It's this ability to be understanding and compassionate that makes this very important dynamic work.

I've been reading a book lately called "Younger Next Year - Living fit, Strong and Sexy Until You're 80 and Beyond". It's fabulous, well written and motivating.

The last section is all about the biology of emotion. It very clearly describes the function of our limbic system (before and now) and how being part of a 'pack' is not only natural, but necessary.

We don't have a choice.

Because of the limbic way we're made, we are not emotional islands. Simply put, we complete each other. In both good and bad ways to be sure, but we do complete each other and therefore we cannot make it alone... p 302.

He goes on to explain that our limbic brain is designed to make sense of the visual world by assessing its emotional effect on our lives. More so than it does for say, making standard detailed visual observations (colors, things, spatial placements of objects, etc).

We have these little things called mirror neurons (and there are millions of them) whose only job it is to pick up on emotions (which happens in our limbic brain) and that's the seat of our biological infrastructure for empathy.

So whether we like it or no, we are physically and biologically designed not only to connect with others, but to make millions of micro-assessments of our emotional world every day, all day long.

In other words, even if we don't think it's that important, our bodies seem to think so. It's how we spend most of our subconscious energy.

Hmmm.

It must be pretty damn important.

Now that there's proof that it's vital to your well being, you have to figure out what kind of pack is beneficial to you and what isn't. There's basically three kinds.

PACK #1 - The 'yes' pack. The yes pack is composed of a group of people who give each other moral support no matter what.

PACK #2 - The party pack. The party pack is composed of people who are always ready to support you in getting away from your problems.

PACK #3 - The 'Tell-it-like-it-is' pack. These guys are the ones who don't let you get away with squat but support what's in your best interest at the time.

Next time - The pros and cons of each pack and taking off your rose-colored glasses....