Most people think a conversation is two people talking (and that includes about nothing in particular).
(Let me tell you what I heard on the weather station and you can respond with a prediction from the Farmer's Almanac). eg)...
me: It was thirty below today! -34 with the windchill.
you: I hear it's going to be a long, cold winter that's going to last for the rest of our lives.
me: So much for global warming.
you: That's what I say!
If I were to ask most people to define a conversation, they'd probably go with something that would match the above example.
But it's not. Not really... or if it is, it's only partially true.
con·ver·sa·tion (kŏn'vər-sā'shən)n.
1. a) The spoken exchange of thoughts, opinions, and feelings; talk.
b) An instance of this: held a long conversation on the subject.
2. An informal discussion of a matter by representatives of governments, institutions, or organizations.
For our purposes we're going to ignore definition 2, as it pertains to governments (who rarely have any real conversations but rather spend an inordinate amount of time as talking heads). 'nuf said.
Conversation is also defined in the dictionary as an 'intimate acquaintance'.
Ah, now we're getting somewhere.
So the purpose of conversation is to use language to exchange (ie; with others), information, our thoughts, opinions and feelings in order to become more intimately acquainted with them.
And in the process, ourselves.
Because really, it's all about us.
We are the center of our own universe. And the only way we can figure out who we are, what our belief systems are, where we stand, where we went wrong, and how to grow, is if we give it up by sharing our opinions, (no matter how intimidating or scary it may be), with another human being who then acts as our mirror.
That's some scary shit.
You wouldn't think so, but the next time you talk to someone who looks like they have all their you-know-what together, try asking them a question that doesn't relate to their work, or the weather, or their portfolio, or even their families and watch for that deer-in-headlights look that will tell you if they have spent any time whatsoever on trying to figure out who they are and what their place is in this universe.
You might not like what you hear.
Then again, you might be pleasantly surprised.
I once asked a senator, (who was divorced) who it was that gave her the moral support she needed to pursue this career of hers and her upcoming campaign.
For a moment she stood there stunned at what I could only assume was her shock at the impertinence of the question. And yet, it was very human and I thought, legitimate.
And she was after all, human.
The thing is, I wanted to know.
I mean, I REALLY wanted to know.
I wanted to know if there was some secret superhuman gene you had to have to get through something with your marbles intact when there was no one home to listen to you at the end of the day or share your burden.
I was in the process of losing my mind, in the middle of first year law school, broke, far away from home, with kids who needed me but who I couldn't be there for.
I felt the deadly combination of guilt, dwindling emotional resources, and poverty - which amounted to overwhelming stress.
On top of it, I was lonely.
Here was a woman on the verge of making it (again). And yet she was going it alone. I didn't care if I made her uncomfortable with my question. I wanted to know. And I wasn't going to let up.
"No really. I want to know. You can't take on the task you're taking on without having someone there who's got your back."
"I don't have anybody." She replied, her guard suddenly down because I actually wanted to know something about her as opposed to just her political platform.
She was after all, human.
"Then how do you do it?"
She smiled and paused again for a moment.
"I've got a good person working in my office. That, and a little wine at the end of the day."
I nodded like I knew she was bullshitting. That wasn't enough and she knew it. There was no balance in her life.
"It's not easy." She admitted, relieved somehow that she was having a real conversation for once that had nothing to do with her political agenda.
"I know" I replied, "You might have to do something about that."
She smiled.
"How long until you graduate"?
"Two more years" I said.
"You should stay in touch."
I had no intention of getting involved in any sort of political arena. I didn't want anything except to know what made her tick because I thought it would help me.
But that silly little conversation that arose out of my desperation to understand how to better deal with my own predicament, for just a moment, separated the wheat from the chaff and left an indelible impression on the both of us.
For a brief moment, we were not separated by some socially imposed hierarchy, or achievements (or lack thereof).
For a brief moment, (for that's all it was), the gap between us disappeared and we both stood there with a knowing that there was far more to life, than this collective paradigm.
I realized that I wasn't alone in my suffering and she realized that neither was she.
The result?
Calm.
A calm settled over both of us.
Long enough to take a deep breath before falling back into our respective roles once again.
Long enough to take a break from the stress by connecting with someone who just for a moment, 'got' what was important.
And in that moment, a connection was made.
Never underestimate the importance of language and conversation.
Next - relating to a prospective mate: the lost art of the conversation.
