I fell off the blog wagon.
I've had an interesting, reaffirming, disaffirming, confusing, pondersome (is that even a word?), and altogether smorgasbord-laden field of experiences, feelings and reactions over the last couple of weeks over a number of things - some silly, some not so much and others, warranted.
Frankly, it's been difficult to blog.
Sometimes I shudder at my own weakness. (Being human has that effect on me).
Then to make matters worse, I watched Julie & Julia last night and shrank at my own inadequacies, let alone lack of discipline.
For those unfamiliar with the tale, it's about a writer who works full-time at a shitty job, blogs EVERY DAY for a year AND ON TOP OF IT prepares not 365, but 524 of Julia Child's impossible French dishes as part of the process.
And she doesn't miss a single day.
Not one.
(Bah humbug)
I on the other hand, have been 'waiting' for a slower schedule... The Xmas holidays will bring a reprieve of sorts from calls that come in at 6 a.m. for subbing jobs, along with other obligations that make time management an obsolete term (or perhaps one used by those with better skills at managing life).
"But screw those people. I'm not superhuman. I just want my mornings back" she says with upturned nose and the tone of a spoiled child.
(Every writer has a stubborn streak).
For me, mornings are creative while late night writing frenzies embraced by college students as the norm are rather...moronic.
I can think of better things to do at 2 a.m. (Not that I've had the opportunity).
"I should be more flexible than this"! she pretends to say with disdain at herself while secretly feeling justified given the suffering she thinks she has endured in life.
(Sigh). So. This poses a problem as the work that pays my bills has me heading out the door by 8 am.
But I'm not budging either as this self-imposed 'requirement' provides me with a great excuse not to get more writing done.
Ah yes, I know myself well.
I wrote most of my book during the mornings over the summer. My schedule was divine.
I'd have some tea, write a little, watch Cesar Millan and then write some more. Then go out for a brisk walk, weather permitting. Maybe lunch with a friend.
My apartment faces East so the sun would invariably make its way warmly into my living space like a welcome guest whose arrival you anticipate and who's departure you want to delay.
And I loved that schedule goddammit...!
But that's not how it works... and while i've been 'waiting' for things to return to that better schedule, I've had some wake-up calls.
You could say life has taken an interest in me, rather than the other way around.
Just when I think I'm in control again,with my ne'er do well, laissez-faire, flippant, rebel-without-a-cause attitude, I'm reminded of who's really in charge.
The Universe, God, our Higher Selves, Purpose, Destiny... call it what you will...
We do nothing, and I mean, NOTHING without a hand that guides us - IF, we choose to see it that way.
And it all happened because I had become impatient. I was in a hurry because the world owed me.
I want things to happen NOW. I figure after all this time, I've earned it. But nobody's earned it because nobody owes you anything.
It'll happen when it happens.
As it stands, my book won't be sent to publishers until January for consideration because the timing is better.
As it stands, I'll change careers only when the transition is complete.
As it stands, I'll meet the right man (maybe) at the right time (maybe - the jury's out on that one), when I'm good and ready. And not a moment sooner.
In the meantime... what happens?
I used to think the time inbetween was waiting... but it isn't.
All the time in between is life happening now. And it's the only thing that counts.
Life still happens while we're waiting for something to come our way.
While we wait for 'the big stuff' (our payday, our comeuppance) sometimes what we are really doing is ignoring the things we have and take for granted.
And what better time to be reminded than the holidays?
And if we're lucky, in those moments of 'life happening', we are reminded that we already have what we are looking for in messages of blessings intended as wake-up calls from the universe.
We get sick. We appreciate our health.
Our car breaks down. We appreciate those that come to our rescue.
I meet someone I think might be 'the one', (who as it turns out doesn't get me at all) and I find myself appreciating those who do, even more.
I worry to no end about car repairs, bills, doing errands on time, writing the blog, working on a website, worrying about the boys, and will I have enough to go around for Xmas...?
And then...
I find out that a lovely man named George from my building, suddenly died of a massive heart attack at work. He was 46. That happened yesterday.
Suddenly, all those worries, don't seem so big.
And the fact that I didn't blog for a week?
I can live with that.
So... over the holidays, I will attempt to blog every day with a small, new lesson learned, some from the past few weeks, and others I have only begun to digest...
Please bear with me...
