Sometimes I think God is playing with a giant yo-yo (up there somewhere) and the string is attached to my life and just when I think I've developped enough momentum to break free once and for all (so I can hit the ground running), I hear a voice inside my head...
"There you go Nic - enough rope to hang yourself."
Hang myself? What the ---
"Happy now?"
Happy? What do you - HEY!!!
As I get snapped back into that dark whirling mass to start from scratch again.
(For my own good of course).
That's God/The Universe/The Great Mother watching and stepping in as required when I repeatedly ignore my own intuition for an extended period of time.
Gee, thanks Big Guy.
Don't get me wrong, I have free will. Trust me. I do.
The thing is, I've developped enough of a relationship with the divine that I've 'made a deal' with Him/Her because at least I'm smart enough to know my own weakness.
Yes, amid all this broo-hoo-hoo, push n' pull and wondering who's in charge here - the Universe or me - I've been steadfastedly re-organizing my life in such a way that I can get back to manifesting my uber positive vision of what is to become.
But I know myself well enough to also know that I can't do it alone - you know, stay the course - my intuition simply isn't strongly developped enough yet.
And that's when I get pulled into other people's lives. Which is cool. Unless of course, we're not on the same page. Then I'm in trouble. Because it's like a vortex of the wrong kind of energy sucking me in.
So I've asked for signs. Demanded is more like it.
And part of that process has been giving in to those signs as they appear and accepting the fact that although I might not like what I see/hear/feel... I will honor it just the same.
After all, I made the deal.
Because although I'm still having a tough time figuring out if something is right for me, if it's wrong, I want to know. At all cost. Even a broken heart.
And so far, it's worked wonders. All I have to do is wait long enough and sooner or later, I just know.
That's what happened last time. That's why I'm flying solo again.
I have this invisible relationship with Something Else, something bigger, that doesn't have the same veil of self-deception I possess when I want what I want and in order to have it, ignore the stuff that makes me feel awful in exchange for a morsel of bliss.
So when I know I can't do it alone, when I know my intuition is marred by my desire for an authentic connection, (or by desire period), with white knuckles gripping the doorknob as I head out to dig myself deeper and deeper in more emotional bondage, I look up and cry:
"Just give me a bloody sign. A BIG ONE. If he's not right for me, make it so abundantly clear that denial is not an option. Otherwise, I'm in it for the long haul 'cuz I've decided that much. So don't screw around! THIS IS MY HEART WE'RE TALKING ABOUT."
And I walk out the door trusting that circumstances will manifest that will send me a pang. And that pang won't be one of doubt, but rather one of knowing.
It doesn't make it any easier mind you. But there is a certain calm that accompanies the right decision. (You know, after all the crying n' chocolates n' junk food n' stuff).
And of course, there's all those things you genuinely miss for the right reasons too. Just because it wasn't 'long-term right', doesn't mean there wasn't a whole lot of magic.
Sigh.
In retrospect, the signs were there. It was a mismatch. I simply didn't trust my intuition. I pushed whatever bothered me, completely aside. Like they say, love is blind.
Thank God your intuition isn't.
Next time, I think I'll let my intuition be my seeing-eye dog right from the start.
But right now, I still have to train that puppy.
------
