In the interest of balancing 'blog continuity' with book writing, I've decided to post part of the chapter I've been diligently (between socializing and 'summerizing')working on - THE MALE PROFILE.
After reading hundreds of dating profiles over the years, one start to get a sense of how to read between the lines. (I realize of course there's only space between the lines, so it's kinda hard to read into nothing but you'd be surprised at what women can do).
So, of the five rules I've conjured on what to avoid like the plague in a profile, here's a couple to make you go hmmmmm.....
And now, for better or worse...
THE MALE PROFILE
Observations, Reading Between the Lines, and Case Studies.***
The male profile. (Sigh).
We know you like long walks on the beach. We know you’re a deep, sensitive guy who wants only to share those experiences with us. Because the truth of the matter is men are down with love too - with the right woman.
When it comes right down to it, you want the same things we do. Someone who adores and respects you and most of all gets you. (And when men are truly smitten? They make our romantic fantasies look like Valentine’s Day at a convent).
We also know that part of your instinct is to help and protect (financially and physically) but that gold digging sluts have stripped some of you of those natural instincts leaving you with a bad taste in your mouth and a hole in your pocket. But bitter never comes off well in a profile. Even when you try and make it funny.
Rule no. 1 - GET RID OF BITTER
You don’t know how many times when reading profiles, I’ve read “Gold-diggers need not apply” or “I hate my ex” in one form or another (and usually repeated over and over and over again) until the only thing that sticks out in my mind is the thought that if I’m ever stupid enough to go out with this guy, I deserve everything that’s coming to me.
I get it. We get it. However, I am also now very leery of the possibility that beneath those broad shoulders you have a rotator cuff problem because you have a chip on your shoulder so big it’s going to need major surgery. In the meantime, I don’t want to be the one who pays for someone else’s unconscionable behaviour. (And just so y’all know, we’re not all like that).
But the point is a chip is a chip is a chip. And in this case, chip is not what you do in golf, it isn’t something off the old block and it isn’t your dog’s name. So get rid of it. Or at the very least, write your profile under the presumption that you’re starting off on a clean slate with the next one. This applies whether they were gold-diggers, cheaters or just plain hell on wheels.
Here’s an example.
What he wrote: Married twice. First gal (whom I affectionately refer to as Plaintiff)... still love her like a sis. Actually I love her more than my sis, cuz my sister was kind of a... well, you get it. Haha. Second X... well I don’t think I’m allowed to use that kind of language on here so I’ll leave that up to your imagination. Think nasty. Now add 1. Lmao. Well one thing’s for sure. At least this time around I won’t be getting messages from prudes or gals that just don’t get me and my sense of humor. Then they wonder why it never works for them.
(Look who’s calling the kettle black).
Reading between the lines: It’s your fault. And it’s always gonna be your fault. If it doesn’t work out, it’s your fault. If you don’t get my humor it’s not because it’s in bad taste, it’s because you’re a prude and don’t get me. Again, your fault. Idiot. So you better be like one of the guys cuz if you’re not, that’s your fault too - never mind what’s between your legs. Be like me, but female cuz though I like my gender better, I don’t date them.
Analysis: If you’re never suppose to talk about past relationships on a first date then you should never, ever talk about them in your profile. Leave them out, or refer to them generically. There will be ample time for that after a few dates. Besides, there’s a spot for your ‘divorced’ or ‘single’ status in the stats section. Leave it there. And never, ever put us all in the same boat and warn us not to come within one hundred feet of you if we’re “like this” or “like that”. If a woman is really that slick I guarantee she knows the game better than you do so you might as well save your breath. Otherwise, you’re egging us on or turning us off.
Revised: I’ve had a couple of long term relationships and keep trying to find the right one. Obviously I don’t give up easily. Lol. I must warn you that I have a raw sense of humor so if the Cable Guy or Rodney Dangerfield doesn’t appeal to you, chances are neither will I. But that doesn’t mean I’m not a real gentleman beneath it all. Take a chance on me and I will do the same.
What it means now: I can’t change who I am, nor do I want to. I have a bit of a rough exterior but at least I’m honest and upfront about it. If we go out, that’s something you’ll have to deal with or embrace or it’s not gonna work. I need someone who can roll with the punches and not take me too seriously. But I’m a good guy deep down inside.
Bottom Line: Don’t bring up your past. Your profile should reflect a clean, hopeful slate for the next gal who might just be the love of your life. Make room for her. Don’t carry in unnecessary baggage. And trying to be funny about an ex that left a bad taste in your mouth simply comes off as a vain attempt to hide a negative underlying belief system that you can’t cover up no matter how many lol’s you put at the end of each sentence. So cut the crap. Choose your funny bones. And your wife elbowing you out of her life is not one of them.
***
Rule no. 2. LOSE THE SELF-PITY
Self-pity screams of an emotional hole so deep it requires an enabler to climb out. The problem is the enabler is no better because they think martyrdom is an acceptable way of life. (Joan of Arc is so yesterday). So if you write a profile that calls out into the lonely night to be saved, be careful what you wish for. You might find someone who makes sure you stay that way so they can play out their own fantasy saviour role. Yuck.
What he wrote: Lonelyguy123 – In his own words
What can I say soon to be 45 and starting over just me and my dogs. It used to be work, family, now it is just work, work work. Maybe there is someone out there that can change that and bring out the fun in me besides my kids can you help me.
Reading between the lines: Help me. I’m dying here. Is there anyone out there that can save me from this misery? I love my kids but all I do is work! And for what? So my good-for-nothing lying and cheating ex could suck all the joy out my existence, leaving me a broken, disillusioned man? Life sucks.
Oh yeah, and FYI - if you go out with me, there’s a good chance it’ll be an emotionally draining experience because I have NO IDEA how to generate fun in my own life anymore so I need someone who has enough energy for the both of us and can re-instill hope and happiness in my dark and lonely world.
Please apply if your name is either Jesus or Mother Theresa.
Analysis: I feel for this guy. Really I do. But this is not helping his case. Any healthy woman is going to run for the hills. The Ironic part is I bet he’s not nearly as badly off emotionally as his profile suggests. A little overworked maybe, but I don’t think he’s clinically depressed. But it doesn’t matter. It comes off that way.
If you’re lonely, you’re lonely. You’re in the same boat as millions of other people. It breaks my heart to read this profile, but that doesn’t mean I want to be anywhere near this guy. (Unless of course I’m in the business of saving people but those relationships never work out).
The good part is he’s held to natural selection process. He has a job and works hard. You won’t be supporting this guy. At least not financially. So let’s give him a shot.
Revised: Mustlovedogs123 – In his own words
I’m almost 45 and ready for the next stage of my life! I have 3 great dogs that are wonderful companions but let’s face it, whenever I try talking to them about world issues, they just look at me with puppy dog eyes and want me to take them for a walk.
I’ve worked hard all my life and I’m ready to balance that out with a little R & R with the right person. If you think you might be that person, feel free to contact me. Don’t worry, I’m looking for you too! (Oh, and kids welcome – mine bring out the best in me). Good luck to all.
What it means now: I’m recently single, I have kids and genuinely like hanging out with them but I’d like to meet that special someone and I’m ready. I’ve worked hard all my life, been responsible and now I’d like to spend some of it and have fun and someone to share it with!
The bottom line: I know it takes effort, but don’t post the first thing that comes into your head. Chances are you’re not filtering anything and it’s going to come out too raw. Write your profile over and over again until you’ve taken all the self-pity and lonely death trap out of it.
(etc. etc. etc... for now, that's all she wrote...)
(and now, back to work - nice weather be damned)!
