I started dating someone.
There. I've said it. I used the "d" word.
It's been grand, though I can't admit, entirely easy. Through the 'still new' course of this boy-meets-girl-and-they're-hanging-out adventure (see, I still can't use the "d" word), I have discovered a few very interesting things about myself.
The least pleasant of which is, I am a control freak.
I am still hard pressed to admit it because frankly, I'm okay with being a control freak providing I don't suck anyone else into the vortex of my control.
I think it's okay to try and have control over your life (even though we all know that never works out the way we think either) but to expect anyone else to fall into place is just plain unreasonable.
They're too busy trying to control their own life, their way.
And I don't know why it always suprises me when I realize for the gazillionth time that every one else's reality revolves around them and not me. But it's true.
That's why when people ask me, "but what are people going to THINK"? (in reference to their dirty laundry - or mine - being exposed), I say:
"Nothing. Because nobody really cares about your life (except your friends, and even then...) The rest are too busy trying to figure out their own lives to worry about yours. And even if they do, it's temporary cuz everybody's wrapped up in their own drama."
So what does it matter what people think?
But maybe the best answer I heard came from David Foster. When asked in an interview:
"You've been so successful, why do you want people like me, asking all these personal questions about your life?" (this followed a discussion about his former, disastrous reality show which the interviewer thought might be a huge source of embarassment for Foster).
Foster answered:
"Because I don't care. Do you know how long you're on this earth? (snaps his fingers) That long. You're here for 80 years or 73 point something and you're dead for trillions of years. Trillions. So does it matter?"
No David, it doesn't. And neither does the fact that I'm trying to control every aspect of my life and I can't. Sometimes, you just have to let things go and let them play out on their own.
'Cause before you know it, it's going to be over. How much time of that 'snap!' do you really want to spend freaking out?
Things will work out the way they're suppose to. In the meantime, I just have to be the best person I can. Since I can't control anyone else's reaction except my own, that's where I have to start.
I came into this 'connection' having established some pre-conceived notions of how it was suppose to be. I had been treated dismissively so consistently in previous relationships, that I was now looking for signs of a laissez-faire behaviour which could only mean one thing - he could "take-it-or-leave-it". In other words, I didn't mean squat either way.
And if that was the case, I was done. I was crispy I was so done. Matter of fact, I couldn't wait to be done because I was getting tired of waiting for the axe to fall. So why not just find something wrong and get it over with? Seemed logical to me.
At least that way, I'd be the one in control.
So when things weren't playing out the way I had imagined they should, but more casually (the irony being that's the way I had set it up in the first place because I wasn't ready for anything that resembled a dating label), I was pissed off. Okay, irate is more like it.
Hypocrite that I am.
But oh, so busted.
Sure, there were other things I actually did have the right to be ticked about...
I like someone to make plans with me way ahead of time because my days are usually full, I like punctuality, lots of communication when it comes to tardiness and a man to do a bit more of the chasing while I get to play 'coy', but generally speaking I freaked out not because any of those expectations were violated, but because I didn't know how to handle my new feelings.
I was back in Junior High.
I was feeling more vulnerable than I had in years and I didn't know what to do with it. And I needed a big neon sign to come out of the sky and tell me if my feelings were reciprocated.
I wanted a guarantee that this was equal. Even Steven. A shared feeling right down the line. Tit for tat.
If I was going to feel raw and be vulnerable, then I bloody well better not be the only one. And when I realized I couldn't be sure, (and furthermore had no right to ask because I had made it perfectly clear I was a committaphobe), I put up the Berlin wall of defense strategies and turned into a someone I suddenly didn't like very much. Or as he put it:
"Man, you are mean when you're angry."
To which I replied, "No I'm not. Only with you."
Because this relationship (and I can't believe I am calling it that) has become a trigger.
I realized that no matter how much work I have done on myself to understand my failings, my behavior, the reason I attracted the wrong men into my life, there's nothing quite like putting what I think I know into practice.
You can't truly say you've broken the negative patterns in all your previous relationships by living in a vacuum. You have to BE in one.
In other words, you can't do it alone. Theory is one thing, intellectualizing the process is one thing, but feeling your way through it, is quite another.
So...
Even though I'm still not labelling anything, and even though I'm not crazy about plowing through some very uncomfortable feelings, I realize that it's time I stopped being a control freak, stopped running away and just DEAL WITH THIS.
And sabottaging what might actually be good for me? That's no longer an option. (Although I can't promise I won't still try).
And even though I'm not buying new shoes yet, I've only got one toe out the door these days instead of my entire foot.
What I realized also is that everybody express themselves differently.
I can't get someone to like me the way I think they should like me. Even if I did, it wouldn't mean anything. They have to do it the way they need to do it. In their own time, using their own methods. And if that doesn't sit well with me, well... then I can decide if it's enough for me or if I need something else, something more to feel valued and appreciated.
And if that's the case, then I can choose to move on.
But in the meantime, I'm going to learn the art of not being a control freak. I'll do my best to give that other person the benefit of the doubt and not jump to conclusions. Because all things considered, things are pretty darn good.
So, it's time to leave the baggage behind. After all, do you know how long we're on this earth for?
(snap!) That's right. That long.
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Next - an anthropologist's view on the nature of love...
