Just to recap, a few days before my son moved to Toronto, I buggered off.
It was only for two days. But I had been functioning under pressure for so long that I knew if I didn't slow down I was going to pop a blood vessel somewhere vital to my well-being and the fluid that leaked out might put me to sleep forever.
So I went from survival mode to self-preservation mode.
They might sound the same, but they're radically different. Survival involves other people and a sort of whole group mentality. You learn to amalgamate, function, co-exist, and micro-manage in a utilitarian sort of way, ie; for the good of the whole.
That's one kind. (Sometimes, you learn to survive IN SPITE of the whole. That's not so fun).
Self-preservation on the other hand, is a nice way of saying, 'Screw everyone. The buck stops here. If I don't do what's best for me RIGHT NOW I'll be about as useful as a kitchen sponge that's seen better days.
Sure I appeared calm on the outside - an easy enough state to achieve having existed in survival mode for years - but the truth of the matter was, somewhere in my head there was an 'on' button that for the life of me, I couldn't turn off.
I mean, even when there was no longer any reason to worry or boss everyone around, I was still doing it. It was time to check out of the concrete jungle so I could be reminded there was a world outside of my apartment window and family dynamics.
So I went to a friend's friend's cabin on Grassy Lake. It's a spiritual retreat - only they were on vacation and my AP (accountability partner) was cabin-sitting so I could pretend it was ALL MINE.
That part was easy because relations between my AP and I are so easy that I can do whatever I want - disappear for hours or hang around - and she wouldn't care. Now that's my definition of a good relationship.
No pressure, no guilt, no obligation. Just be yourself.
Unfortunately, the hard part was learning how to 'just be' fast enough to make maximum use of the two days I had to completely unwind.
Just look at that ridiculous sentence. It even sounds like an oxymoron.
But with no neighbors across the lake, no visible neighbors to either side and a landscaped garden filled with an obscene number of flowers, swinging benches, loungers, hammocks and private niches for contemplation, I was good as gold.
I figured it would take me all of five minutes to unwind until I walked in the cabin door and saw the calm glow emanating from my AP and her friend from Florida. They had been there for only two days.
If I didn't know them, I would have thought they were actors being paid to be part of the ambience and my experience that's how beatific they were.
This was better than reality TV.
Between their genuinely warm and charming attitudes and those cotton and silk pyjamas they were both wearing, they were positively angelic.
And there I was, with camouflage shorts, a wife-beater T, and a headband.
"Nicole, this is Marnie"
She embraced me as only an angelic being could and asked me if I would like some fresh fruit salad she was about to make.
"Sure! That would be AWESOME. I'm STARVING!"
"Well let me make you breakfast then too" she said softly, tucking her wings in behind her back, "Do you want one egg or two?"
"Uh, one I guess. Doesn't matter really. Someone else is making me breakfast! And you don't even KNOW me! How cool is that? HOW LUCKY AM I?! So, how long you been out here?"
She smiled kindly and patiently at my manic behaviour and I swear I saw a twinkling light shine off her front teeth as she did.
"Two days".
"Jesus, I hope I look as good as you the day after tomorrow"
She smiled again and went about making ME breakfast.
I went outside to gather in the sights and sounds of paradise and find 'just the right spot' to force myself to enjoy nature and after going around in circles like a chicken with an equilibrium problem, I finally settled on a swinging chair that was in the garden but still had a view of the lake.
As I waited for breakfast to arrive I saw a hawk swoop through the yard just in front of me. It was so close I could feel the draft it left in its wake.
Then I saw a hummingbird hover with inconceivable talent near its flower of choice. It was so close, I could see its irridescent green feathers.
Not bad for the first five minutes of my retreat into the Divine.
That's when my fruit salad arrived, complete with shredded coconut, mango and blueberries.
It was the BEST FRUIT SALAD I HAVE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE.
For that entire day, I left my AP and Marnie to visit with one another elsewhere while I re-acquainted myself with... me.
I chose the book I would read over the next two days, found a hammock overlooking the lake, a few pillows and chilled. As I lay there swinging gently in the perfect breeze with the perfect combination of sunshine and clouds making the leaves in the trees above me dance on the page of my book, a butterfly decided to visit.
She was flapping her little wings and dancing in that erratic way they do as she went around and around my nose as if to say;
Why are you reading when nature is all around you? Can you see me NOW?
And if I didn't get it yet, I was about to.
Cuz it was time to take the kayak out! Oh yeah babi. That's what I'm talking about. Adventure city.
I'd never been on a kayak before. But as I told my AP later:
There's only one paddle, how hard could it be?
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Next: Part II of chasing the eagle
