The Art of an Effective Pack

PACK #1 - The 'yes' pack. The yes pack is composed of a group of people who give each other moral support no matter what.

Sounds like a great idea in theory as it's good for the ego, but it's downright ineffective idea as a tool for personal growth. That's the group when even if you're wrong about something you're complaining about, will agree with you because that's how they define loyalty.

Here's an example: If you're venting to your pack about your significant other and you're clearly the one at fault, the pack will still refer to your partner as 'the bastard' in your defense and call it honor.

In other words, you'll always be right when you incite your friends to support you - it's the 'common enemy' factor... and they love being incensed on your behalf whether you deserve it or not.

PACK #2 - The party pack. The party pack is composed of people who are always ready to support you in getting away from your problems.

They're awesome when it comes to good-ol' fashioned escapism. When you call them up to vent, share your pain, or ask for an opinion, they say:

"Dude that sucks. Why don't you come out with us tonite and fuggetaboutit"?

And you know there will always be a pack heading to the bar or someone's house to whoop it up, buy you a beer, lend you their couch when you're too drunk to go home and offer you a tylenol in the morning.

And then there's...

PACK #3 - The 'Tell-it-like-it-is' pack. These guys are the ones who don't let you get away with squat but support what's in your best interest at the time.

The thing is, you might not always like them because their function is to kick your ass when you need it, tell you things you don't want to hear (and sometimes it sucks to find out you're in the wrong).

Generally, when they see something out of whack, they keep at it until you see the way it really is, not the way you'd like it to be. And every tell-it-like-it-is pack has someone in it who, when they see something painfully wrong with you, will call one of the other pack members and say:

"Guys, I think we need an intervention."

This is the tough-love pack.

The ones who will sacrifice their friendship with you if they see you going down the wrong path and you stubbornly refuse to do anything about it.

The ones whose very conduct influences yours for the better and they don't even have to say anything... they're just on the path of bettering their lives and if you're not along for the ride, well...

sooner or later, you'll find yourself without a pack.

Now, the fact that my support systems have a higher standard to which they think I should aspire can be a royal pain in the ass, so it's not always pleasant or easy...

There are days when all I really want to do is throw in the towel, run away to some remote island and fish for my dinner,(all for the wrong reasons) and play solitaire for the rest of my life, but my pack knows it's not in my true nature to be a recluse for long so they don't let me.

Sure, I can have a few days to lick my wounds, sit on the pity pot and whine about how life has handed me the short end of the stick and pretend I'm working so hard so I can get the sympathy vote, but my days are numbered.

And nothing could make me happier than to know I can count on being told like it is, until I finally decide to get my act together and proceed with the business of life the way I am meant to.

So for what it's worth, thanks to my AP, to Jim, to my boys (who still think I should shoot for the stars after all these years) and to everyone else along the way who puts up with my ups and downs....

Thanks to my tell-it-like-it-is pack.

The Art of a Strong Support System - PART III

I feel stuck this morning.

Not in a really bad way. Just in a I-want-to-get-to-my-writing-but-not-motivated kind of way. The discipline is probably there, but the will is lacking.

Thank God for discipline because I'll do it anyway.

And thank God for my support systems because this is a day I will probably call upon them for a little distraction and pick-me-up.

And if they're all busy? I'll rent a movie or two, pull out those books I need to finish, and carry on.

Getting moral support from your friends is never set in stone. Nor is it a black and white proposition. It requires the malleability of understanding and a certain maturity. Just because they can't today, doesn't mean they wont tomorrow. Or the next day.

It also requires a knowing that you can go it alone today if you have to. Life is built on these sorts of waves and they always pass. Besides, it doesn't mean you are being abandoned by your pack.

I think that's a mistake many people make as they feel 'let down' by others for not being there every time they need them. But perhaps their tank was empty too. Or they needed their energy for other matters they didn't particularly wish to share at the time. It's this ability to be understanding and compassionate that makes this very important dynamic work.

I've been reading a book lately called "Younger Next Year - Living fit, Strong and Sexy Until You're 80 and Beyond". It's fabulous, well written and motivating.

The last section is all about the biology of emotion. It very clearly describes the function of our limbic system (before and now) and how being part of a 'pack' is not only natural, but necessary.

We don't have a choice.

Because of the limbic way we're made, we are not emotional islands. Simply put, we complete each other. In both good and bad ways to be sure, but we do complete each other and therefore we cannot make it alone... p 302.

He goes on to explain that our limbic brain is designed to make sense of the visual world by assessing its emotional effect on our lives. More so than it does for say, making standard detailed visual observations (colors, things, spatial placements of objects, etc).

We have these little things called mirror neurons (and there are millions of them) whose only job it is to pick up on emotions (which happens in our limbic brain) and that's the seat of our biological infrastructure for empathy.

So whether we like it or no, we are physically and biologically designed not only to connect with others, but to make millions of micro-assessments of our emotional world every day, all day long.

In other words, even if we don't think it's that important, our bodies seem to think so. It's how we spend most of our subconscious energy.

Hmmm.

It must be pretty damn important.

Now that there's proof that it's vital to your well being, you have to figure out what kind of pack is beneficial to you and what isn't. There's basically three kinds.

PACK #1 - The 'yes' pack. The yes pack is composed of a group of people who give each other moral support no matter what.

PACK #2 - The party pack. The party pack is composed of people who are always ready to support you in getting away from your problems.

PACK #3 - The 'Tell-it-like-it-is' pack. These guys are the ones who don't let you get away with squat but support what's in your best interest at the time.

Next time - The pros and cons of each pack and taking off your rose-colored glasses....

The Art of a Strong Support System - PART II

Person 1 and person 2 are dating... the topic of asking for help comes up...

person 1. You can never rely on anyone but yourself.

person 2. That's not true, I rely on lots of people.

person 1. Well I don't. Everyone I've ever known has let me down. They're never there when you really need them.

person 2. That's not true, the people I know are always there when I need them. I can think of at least 5 people I could call at the drop of a hat if I was in trouble or just needed my closet cleaned out and couldn't bring myself to throw out my last boyfriend's sweatshirt or something.

person 1. (sarcastically) Nice.

person 2. You know what I mean. That doesn't mean I take advantage of it. I don't call on them for the little things I can take care of myself both emotionally or otherwise, but when I need a hand or I'm really choked about something, I know I can pick up the phone.

person 1. Well, you're lucky then.

person 2. I am, but I don't think it's luck so much as learning how to ask for help.

person 1. I'll never do that. And I mean never. I could be dying and I wouldn't ask for help.

person 2. I used to be like you. It's a retarded way to live, going through life alone, playing the martyr... it's so Joan of Arc.

person 1. Thanks.

person 2. You know what I mean. Why do you think we're all here on this planet together? So we can suffer alone? NO! so we can commiserate and ease each other's burden!

person 1. (Getting choked. He fails to see the humor in most anything I say.)

person 2. Okay, so you don't know anyone you can call on for help. Fair enough. Your support systems suck and mine don't. But I'm here. You can always call me up and say, "hey, I've had a crappy day. Can I come over?" or "I really need some help cleaning out the garage".

person 1. I would never do that.

person 2. (in disbelief) Get outta here.

person 1. (silence)

person 2. Seriously?

person 1. Yeah. Seriously.

person 2. (getting pissed off) Then why are you in a relationship?

person 1 (now totally ticked off). Oh, so NOW you're questioning the RELATIONSHIP???

person 2. Oh geez. That's not what I'm saying...

In retrospect, that's probably just what I was saying.

You can see where this is going.

Person 1 was fixated on a false generalization: ALL PEOPLE ARE UNRELIABLE and the only person you can count on is yourself. NO EXCEPTIONS.

Gee thanks.

The entire trust issue was at stake at a fundamental level so deep it wasn't even about the relationship anymore. It was about humanity in general.

As you can probably predict, this relationship fell apart shortly thereafter (and for a myriad of reasons not directly related to this particular conversation), but this conversation was in itself a huge red flag.

Person 1 was convinced that he was a 'giver' in this life. That was his job. He wasn't particularly crazy about it as there was a constant exhaustion in his good deeds to help others but he labelled himself as a giver nevertheless.

Like he had no choice.

If I said to him, "You are such a good father to your kids. They're lucky to have you", the response was, "I don't know any other way to be".

Sniff sniff.

How about because you WANT to be, not because you're stuck in a role you think God meant for you.

(That's not a very nice God if that's the case).

And what about free will? Authenticity? Being true to yourself?

In all fairness, it's easier said than done when you've been 'responsible' all your life and think the obligations that come with that role are set in stone and life has sucked you dry because you "give, give give" and nothing comes back your way.

Or does it not come back your way because you give, give, give and never ASK for it in return?

It's a slippery slope.

And if you attach manifesting principles to this you're treading in dangerous waters.

If you become completely self-reliant (to the point of obsessiveness) do you then get exactly what you project? Nobody to help you because you've given the universe the message that you will NEVER need it?

And then you attract people and experiences that verify your belief system over and over again until you've created the world you believe exists around you?

Shiza!

All I know is in order for energy to flow, it has to go both ways. If it doesn't, it WILL get stuck somewhere along the circuit.

It has to FLOW.

And for it to flow, you need to surround yourself with a few (less than a handful - family, friends, or preferrably both) that you can count on as much as they can count on you.

If you've never asked for help, the hardest part is putting your ego aside to ask for it when you need it and not giving up when one person can't fulfill that need.

You're bound to be disappointed sometimes. It doesn't mean it's OVER. Or we're all self-absorbed and selfish.

Yes, people are busy with their own lives, but one of those handful of people will come to your aid when you really need it.

That's why you need more than one person in your corner.

Don't get me wrong - givers are terrific people with huge hearts. He was one of them. And so was I. I know, I was one of them in every relationship, but too much of anything is never a good thing.

Too much 'giving' builds resentment (sometimes subtly and insidiously so) and is draining.

For life to work, you have to be both a giver and a taker or better yet - to learn how to both give and to receive)....

To lean more heavily on one side or the other spells imbalance and disaster in any aspect of your life.

Next - the necessity of having friends in any relationship

The Art of the getting your funny back and the importance of an ESN - Emotional Support Network (Part I)

Getting your funny back is kinda like getting your body back after you've had one too many Big Macs during those four years you hit fast food joints while going through college 'cause you were too busy to bother with real food.

We all do it. And it's a forgiveable offense.

But at some point you have to break the habit. And for that, sometimes you need a personal trainer.

That also goes for getting your funny back.

Losing your funny is when you've been out of the loop for a while because you've been busy indulging in a new relationship that is about as good for you as 3 supersize meals a day.

It doesn't feel that bad at first, but by the end, a heart doctor comes along and tells you if you don't get out of the cycle, you're going to die. Not good.

(And if you've seen Supersize Me, you know what I'm talking about).

In this case, before you know it, 28 odds pounds of emotional baggage sneaks up on you, weighing you down with more self-doubt than a hooker who joins a nunnery.

Think of a personal trainer - most health books recommend one if you're serious about getting fit and are tired of giving yourself a way out of those 'extra hard' workouts. You know, the ones that actually propel you to a new level.

PT's won't let you get away with stuff that you let yourself get away with all the time. It's not that you don't know better.

You do. I do. We all do.

But nobody wants to feel the pain that goes with producing micro-tears that builds up more of what you need. So we don't do it. But we'll do it for the expert that bosses us around in the gym.

Go figure.

I find it interesting that most of us won't let ourselves feel pain in the gym but we have no trouble being in relationships that cause insidious micro-tears in our soul.

But never mind that.

The bottom line is, everyone needs support systems. I don't care how independent you claim to be or think you are.

No one can live without some type of emotional support network. At least not well.

And getting back to what makes you YOU after a relationship has hit the dirt, requires a good, unconditional support network.

All you have to do, is pick up the phone. Or text. Or facebook. Or tweet.

That's right. It's as easy as calling on the peeps you haven't seen in God-knows-how-long because you've been too busy confusing jabs with teasing, criticisms with friendly advice and control for love.

For some people that's harder than getting tickets for the Superbowl.

All that matters is once you recognize the obvious and give yourself a few V8 slaps in the head, you get back to your old self.

next - what a strong support system looks like