Okay, I admit it.
I'm still not quite getting the whole picture here. But what I am getting, I will relate (*and as usual, throw in my two cents' worth).
According to Helen Fisher, love affects one of 3 different brain systems:
1. Lust - that's our sex drive.
As one researcher called it, it's like a 'neural itch we need to scratch'. Fisher says it stems from our biological need to find a mate.
Put it this way... if you're not horny, you won't want sex. If you don't want sex, you won't have sex. If you don't have sex, you can't get pregnant. And if that happens, so much for our species. I get it.
2. Romantic Love - focuses on mating energy.
Fisher says it developped so we can focus on one person long enough to have kids with them - you know, to start a family unit.
3. Deep attachment - evolved so we could tolerate this person long enough to raise kids together.
(I thought that was kinda funny).
And apparently, we can have deep feelings for each type of love. Which sorta ticks me off because of course I don't want anyone I'm dating to think of anyone else in any of those capacities, except for me - selfish wench that I am.
Anyway, each one of the above type relates to a different brain system. So in effect we can be in love with all three types at the same time. Shiza!
But it seems in contradiction with the other research that says most people can't actually sustain an emotional attachment (of the deep, romantic kind) with more than one person at a time, without some messy ramificiations (as eventually one falls by the wayside).
So the question remains, which one is real love?
On a biological level, some of it has to do with the power of a neurological reward system. For instance, an orgasm releases a rush of oxytocin in the brain (especially in women - most especially in women).
To give you an idea of how powerful that is, cocaine gives the same effect.
And what's more, it releases it in an area of the brain that has to do with attachments.
So men, take note. If you're wondering why she's telling you she loves you after a one-night stand, now you know. It might be unreasonable, but it's neurologically valid - especially if you were that good.
It's all your fault.
On the other hand, if you're wondering why she's not that into you after a while, take a good hard look at your love-making skills because according to Fisher, a man's ability to make a woman orgasm has also evolved as a mating determinant. Ahem
Keep her happy and your chances increase that she will stick around (of course there's lots of other factors but that is seriously one of them).
And don't shoot the messenger. Apparently, it's like some Pavlovian response mechanism in a woman's brain. I think it's kinda cool. And if you think about it, it makes perfect sense.
We base our lives and the decisions we make largely on the rewards those decisions will get us. We never intentionally make a decision based on the suffering it will bring. Rather it's the opposite.
Multiple orgasms, multiple rewards!
It works the same for men, but that's usually easy for them. The big O however, can be tricker for some women. So the pressure's on.
I'll never forget a movie I watched with my boys called Outside Providence. Alec Baldwin played a single father giving his kid advice about a girl he was dating. Here's what he said:
"Remember son... it ain't over 'til you both get yer cookies."
The reason I remember it, is because one of my kids asked me what that meant and I had to explain it. Not only that, but before I knew any of this stuff, instinct had told me that Alec was right.
Back to love, lust, romance, whatever you want to call it.
I think the real thing would be all three wrapped up into one.
You're wildly attracted to someone who is also capable of being your best friend, and with whom you feel a deep-seated attachment (ie; you want to grow old with them).
But apparently, even if you don't have all three, romantic love seems to be the strongest one of all.
Romantic love, releases dopamines. Even couples who have been married for years and claim to still be in love, have the same neurological release of dopamines as those 'newlywed' couples whose feelings we think are more intense. It's a real bonding factor.
And I think the reason a great many people are dissatisfied in their relationships is because they have one or maybe two sides of the triangle but want all three.
Having all three however, is like winning the lottery.
According to research, societies all around the world have the most difficulty reconciling all three aspects. Most keep them separate. (more on that next time).
The rest, develop strong attachments (and are successful at them) because they make that choice.
In this respect, I completely agree with Fisher: "The happiness we find, is the happiness we make".
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Next - anti-depressants are killing our ability to fall in love - Fisher's plea and of course, my input.
