I love this time of year.
Once I learn how to distinguish my true feelings from everyone else's panic, frustration, guilt, misguided sense of obligation and debt-conscious gift-giving, I'm downright giddy.
Once everyone sits down and finally eats, then plays cards (or Wii), it's actually fun. (I can't wait to kick some kanassta ASS again this year). But the build up (or as I like to call it, the 'guilt-up') is not.
I don't know what's worse...
Having the money to do Xmas like you've actually got the income to pay off your credit card bill in less than a year (only to do it all over again), or not having any and wishing you could give the people you love everything because they deserve it?
hmmm.
But I'm a practical person. And a dreamer.
I'll take option two over the process of gift-giving then resenting your payments. They're just gonna have to live with that bubble bath package from dollarama.
Besides, once this six month experiment goes the way I want, I'll be paying CASH ONLY for my purchases thank-you-very-much.
In the meantime, I will manage beautifully.
And I am not - I repeat NOT - letting the stresses or "Woe is me and all the work I have to do to get ready for Christmas" brigade ruin my fun and frolic this holiday season.
And FYI, I'm not talking about my family (though I've heard bah humbug grumblings ripple through the ranks of my hard-core sons and their look-how-they-suck-us-in-those-commericalized-economy-driven-bastards attitudes).
Thank God they have Xmas Nazi girlfriends to balance them out.
But I've heard stories...
The kind that ripple through the grapevine of love and work and family and extended family and neighbors and buildings and come out of the mouths of the person standing next to you in line at Walmart confiding to their best friend about how much they secretly 'hate Christmas' and all the sordid details recounting exactly why.
It's the stress.
Not just the gift-giving part, but who's house you have to go to and when, and who really wants you there and if you don't drop by, you'll get an icy stare so deadly the next time you go over, you'll believe what quantum physics says about thoughts being real because you'll break out into a rash right then and there.
Gift-giving is one type of stress. The other, is pleasing EVERYONE.
So, in the true spirit of someone who is drinking wine at 3 pm on a Tuesday for no reason at all, (except that she can), here are a few lines you can use on your family and friends when their guilt or expectations exceed your ability to tolerate your very existence and find you begging for an end to the holidays (and wishing for a New Year's party so raucous that you will forget what transpired in the weeks before).
Here goes nothin'...
1. For the people who tell you all their family troubles and about all the unwanted but obligatory invitees they must tolerate during dinner just because it's xmas:
I AM NOT A GIANT NIPPLE. STOP SUCKIN THE LIFE OUT OF ME.
2. For family who wants you there not one, not two, but THREE days in a row:
"I AM NOT COMING TO YOUR HOUSE THREE DAYS IN A ROW. Was Mary in labor for 3 days? I THINK NOT. Otherwise Jesus's birthday would be on THE 24TH, THE 25TH AND BOXING DAY. AND IT ISN'T! Capice?"
3. For people who actually don't like their gift, tell you and want to know if you have a 'gift receipt':
No. But don't worry about it - I LOVE what I got you! while you rip it out of their hands with a big smile on your face.
4. For people who guilt you because you weren't around to 'decorate the tree':
So undecorate it. I'll do it. Just let me get grab a bottle of Jaegermeister from the liquor store first. brb. And NEVER RETURN.
5. For people who complain about all the cooking they have to do and how tired they will be:
Don't say anything. Just start making martinis, crank up some spicy dance music and get them roaring drunk. By the time dinner's over they'll be passed out from the tryptophan in the turkey and won't remember a damn thing.
6. For people who can't have Xmas without their cinnamon buns (because apparently they there IS no Xmas without cinnamon buns")
Get some gum. Or Cinnamon schnapps. That's WAY better than sticky buns. (And probably more calories - trust me, I know).
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and that's just for starters...
over the next few days, don't worry... I'll give you so much ammo to defend yourself over the holidays, you'll be dying to mix it up with anyone and everyone! :)
CHEERS!
