And I'm not just talking about food.
I remember my mom's reaction when my dad presented her with the idea that he was going to buy a 5,000 square foot house.
"Why? So I can spend even more time cleaning"?
I was twelve at the time and thought, 'What is she talking about'? But that wasn't fair because I was allergic to cleaning and wandered off whenever the opportunity to do so presented itself. I'll clean my room if you can find me hiding in the neighborhood. Good luck with that.
Besides, I wanted to spend as little time at home as possible. It was a toxic environment.
As for that big house my dad wanted? He got it.
But what he should have done is spent his money on a good marriage counsellor, personal therapy for both, and anti-depressants for mom.
Either that, or a good lawyer - you know, before buying shiny new things that only served to cover deeper problems that weren't going anywhere.
True to form, they divorced a few years later. And it wasn't pretty.
Having more, being more, doing more...
All these things are great but they are often things we do to get away from other things - like problems that should be addressed first - before we move on to 'bigger and better things'.
It's a must.
If you don't, sooner or later like a flock of vampires, these issues come out of the dark and puncture holes in your life and it all comes oozing out on that brand new hardwood floor you worked so hard to pay for - whether you like it or not.
And it's like that with other things.
Take love for instance.
If, when it comes to love (starting with your mom) you have experienced nothing but rejection, you may falsely associate love with being rejected.
If you have to work really hard at getting your parents to like you (ie; if you don't get straight A's in school, you're dirt), then chances are you will also associate love with having to work for it.
That's going to make being in a partnership really stressful.
Or it's going to make you choose someone who constantly rejects you as part of a stimulus-response package that you, yourself have programmed into this relationship because it's part of your subconscious programming on love.
But no matter how much you do for the other person, it will never be enough.
Because you don't understand that just being yourself is enough for true love. You're in a falsely programmed belief system.
So you revisit the unhealthy version, over and over and over again until you die. alone. in a rocking chair. beside an empty one covered with dust.
(Ahem)
Now take success. (After all, this is suppose to be about a Six Month Experiment to change my luck from bad to good).
If every time you tried to do something and it didn't work out: you ran out of money, circumstances changed that put a stop to it, ie; 'close but no cigar' every single time, sooner or later, a detrimental belief system would embed its way into your subconscious.
Whatever confidence you had about 'making it' would slowly be eaten away by a sea of maggots making their fat little way into that original, positive belief system about being worthy enough to secure the destiny for which you were born.
(Ahem)
And the only way to get them out is with tweezers.
One fat, little maggot at a time.
So while I was ill, I got in there and did some house-cleaning. (Or maggot-plucking as it were).
I examined every belief system I had about myself - true or false - and sought to eradicate the crappy ones with ones that would better serve me.
It's one thing to say positive things over and over and over again, but believing and knowing are two different things. I might believe that I'm worthy of true love and a successful life, but do I KNOW it?
And if I don't KNOW it, then no matter what I do, it won't work. Or if it does, it will only be temporary. Like my dad's shiny new house. And then it'll all come crashing down like a house of cards (with holes in it from vampires and maggots).
So the better part of my last six weeks has been spent eradicating what DOESN'T work and no longer serves me using some (I hope) effective methods.
Meditating was one of them. The rest, I will discuss another time.
Now, when I hit 'critical mass' and things start to shift in the direction I've been planning and working towards all my life, it won't all come crashing down.
And given that a good chunk of this six month experiment was spent examining and working through old, false belief systems to better prepare for this year, I think I might have to extend this experiment...
... For a Few Months More...
