August 13, 2009 - Excuses are so yesterday.
I am off my writing schedule because I've been too busy with…
Damn. I just busted myself making excuses.
Let's try that one more time shall we?
I am off my writing schedule. Period. I have no excuses since the time I waste on the Internet doing market research for a book THAT ISN’T EVEN FINISHED YET would be better spent finishing the book. Period. If this were the middle ages and I was an undisciplined monk I would be summarily whipped. Period. Or cracked over the back with a bamboo pole if I were a Buddhist monk in Tibet. Period. Are you enlightened now monky boy?
And if this were the Wild West, that message would be a telegraph. Stop.
I am blogged down with more excuses than a white collar criminal. This madness has to end.
However, in spite of this self-abnegation I am making strides. It’s just that when I’m steeped in the research end of it, it doesn’t feel like I’m working because I’m printing, reading and highlighting - not writing. It’s terribly deceiving and a largely inaccurate view of my actual progression. Then suddenly one day, BLAM! POW! Just like in the old Batman show - everything comes to a head and it’s DONE. And I say “Holy novel batman, how did that happen?”
Voila! (Or as my Anglo-Saxon friends say, Walla).
I just wish that day was tomorrow because I feel like a liar. Here I am, making a commitment to the universe - for all the world to witness (or at least whoever reads the blog) - and I can’t even get past my own set-point.
Frankly it’s kind of embarrassing. (At least it would be if I were prone to be embarrassed).
So… while I keep working… I will post PART II of Chapter 6 manyana.
August 15, 2009 - a little blurb, the day inbetween and CHAPTER 6
I realize I’m off my blog sched but does anyone really want to hear about what’s going on in my life every single day?
Suffice it to say since I have made you all my accountability partners in crime you will, (whether you like it or not) get an update on my progress.
So here’s that list for yesterday:
1. I finished one big section of chapter 1 (3 of 4 sections are now complete). All stats were derived by rummaging through a whack of ezines I receive regularly on the business end of Internet dating. Mucho interesante but overwhelming to sort through and pull together in some sort of tangible format. But it’s done. And you know what I learned? The Brits love Internet dating.
2. I went to the gym. Against my will. Every fibre of my being fought it. Yesterday, I admit I hated every second of it. And you know how everybody says, “yeah, but once you’re done you’ll feel great and be happy you did it”? That’s not true. I felt just as crappy afterwards as I did before. And I regret going. Okay, maybe that part isn’t true, but I was miserable on that treadmill and God help anyone who tried to make polite conversation. But that didn’t seem to be a problem as I was projecting evil and therefore had a clear space all around me the whole time I was there. It was perfect.
3. I picked up the little silver car I talked about way back in an earlier blog. I am now the proud owner of a less old, older vehicle. Instead of it being old as dirt, it’s as old as pebbles. I love it. And it has a cd player in it so now I can blast whatever music I want, devoid of radio commercials. But what I mostly feel is relief. Now I can take various jobs this fall without worrying about whether I will get there or not. When the guy I bought it from asked me:
“What are you looking for?”
I said, “I don’t care, as long as I can drive it to California and not worry about breaking down where some redneck can get to me.”
Without blinking, he said, “I’d say you have an 80% chance of making it with this little silver one.”
“I’ll take it.”
4. I took the night off writing. Not because I wanted to, but doing the tennis balls thing on my back took precedent. I write with a cynical edge when I have a headache. Not good. Health first.
And now, here’s the next part of Chapter 6 as promised....
PART II - WHAT THE EXPERTS HAVE TO SAY
Though you may think ignorance is bliss when it comes to love, trust me, knowledge is power. All of the extremely useful information for this chapter was derived from two social psych textbooks: David G. Myers & Steven J Spencer’s Social Psychology – with specific information derived from a chapter entitled Attraction and Intimacy: Liking and loving others, and An Introduction to Theories of Personality by B.R. Hergenhahn & Matthew H. Olson and its chapter on Sex Differences: Mating Strategies.
Disclaimer: please keep in mind that any correlation I have made between attraction in the ‘real world’ as described in the above texts and its application to cyberspace is strictly based on my own observations. Anyone who cares to call me incompetent regarding such observations is free to either challenge me to a duel or send comments void of profanity to cyberlovemuse@hotmail.com.
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CHEMISTRY
Our genes predispose us to like the opposite sex for certain attributes.
Men prefer rosy-cheeked fertile-looking women and women prefer men who can support and protect their future children.
While this sounds like a black and white proposition that eliminates virtually everyone who isn’t virile and rich or fertile and healthy, that isn’t what bothered me the most when I first read about it. What bothered me was that it completely ignored any romantic notion of true love because it’s simply based on what’s good for the continuation of our species.
How very scientific. Nothing could piss me off more.
But how this translates via Internet dating is this: our genes predispose us to be attracted to and contact someone if they appear to possess the above attributes. And that’s okay. As a matter of fact, it’s great. Remember, in this chapter we’re just trying to establish the things that will get us out of the gate faster and eliminate some faux-pas along the way to sustain that initial attraction long enough to go out on a first date. And social-psych research just gave us a clue on how to do that.
The above information is great fodder for setting up effective profiles (which we’ll get to later). And there is good news for those cursing me under their breath while wiping their eyes because I just mopped the floor of their fairytale castle using Darwin’s theory of social evolution.
After contact is initiated and a relationship has begun, beauty really does lie in the eyes of the beholder. In other words, the more a man loves his mate, the more he think she’s the cat’s meow and no one, not even Raquel Welch herself wearing that animal skin bikini in One Million Years B.C. will turn him on more. His attraction to others diminishes as the love for his gal grows. The same is true of women in love. The more she loves her guy, the more attractive he becomes and the less so, other men. Either love is blind or it has blinders on. But that usually occurs later, when you’ve both used the L word at least twice and meant it.
In the meantime, if you want to increase your chances of finding that special someone with whom there will be mutual attraction, concentrate on presenting the above attributes in your profile and then look in the mirror. Attraction also lies in your own reflection (or some facsimile thereof).
We are most attracted to those with whom we resonate physically or who have similar physical characteristics. And they will also be more comfortable being attracted to us. At least initially. This is known as the matching phenomenon – to be attracted to someone whose facial features are similar to ours is natural. It’s the feeling of familiarity that comforts us.
What does this mean? If you’re an average Joe (like most of us), unless you have oodles of security to offer a woman (and are willing to admit to yourself that you may be exchanging security for beauty - nothing wrong with a barter system according to our genetic predisposition), chances are you will achieve greater online success by addressing profiles of women who most closely reflect your level of attraction. Research shows that just as love sees loveliness, like attracts like.
I can practically feel you getting all offended. Don’t. Before you start thinking I’m yanking your chain or shooting down your dream of dating your polar opposite all I’m saying is like generally attracts like because it’s more comfortable with it. And if you still don’t believe me, check this out.
Did you know:
- More people named Virginia are likely to move to that state. And Virginia Beach has a “disproportionate number” of people who share that name.
- More people move to Georgia named Georgia than any other state. And people there are more likely to name their children George or Georgia!
- Philadelphia has 10 times as many people named Philip.
- Jacksonville has twice as many people named Jack.
- California has more people with last names that begin with Cali. In Toronto, it’s Tor.
- St. Louis has almost fifty percent more people named Louis than anywhere else in the U.S.
- If your last name is Rock, Park, Hill, Beach, or Lake you might just pick a city or street that has your name in it like Hillside, or Park City.
And that’s nothing. The same goes for careers:
- More women named Denise and men name Dennis are dentists as opposed to people with names that are just as common.
- More Georges and Geoffreys are geologist, geophysicists and geochemists.
And the kicker...
-More people whose last names start with B contributed to the Bush campaign over giving money to Gore. And G people gave to Gore.
It’s called ego-based preference.
I think this is great. As far as I’m concerned it means we all genuinely like ourselves deep down inside. Otherwise we would gravitate towards the opposite.
I’m not saying there aren’t tons of exceptions to the rule - my dentist’s name is Christine. But research shows that human beings are comfortable with and attuned to people with whom on some level, they have things in common (looks, similar hobbies, values, etc). But the most obvious, is looks.
I am the first to admit (and personally experienced) attraction to people for a plethora of reasons beyond the physical (none of them had anything remotely in common with each other physically). Nothing - and I mean nothing if you’d seen some of my choices - can be explained logically unless you want to explore the possibility of past life connections or personality clicks that feel so right nothing else matters, or even charm that makes one feel so warm and fuzzy inside we no longer notice the ginormous nose behind the poetry.
All I’m saying is if you are in the process of exploring your options online, you will meet with greater success (and more favourable responses to your emails) if you keep the above social observations in mind. And it has nothing to do with self-esteem or insecurity. Familiarity simply breeds comfort and therefore attraction.
Lesson Learned: When setting up a profile use the above research information to put your best foot forward. Women? Look healthy and write like you are - mentally and physically; Men? have your act together - be confident. And both parties? Look for complimentary physical ‘matches’. You may find your odds of finding someone compatible will increase.
And remember, it’s not set in stone. It’s just a start.
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Stay tuned for: BEYOND CHEMISTRY - coming soon in next week's blog
