I get it. At least in theory.
I get what Canfield says about being constructive with your plans, being well-rounded and hitting all the areas of your life with the same dedication that you would a new 'crush'.
I get what Tim Ferriss says in the '4 hour workweek' about disciplining yourself out of an unproductive information diet and giving it your all.
I understand the manifesting principles and I wholeheartedly buy into the notion that as soon as we take full responsibility for our actions, embrace a spirit of all-encompassing love and compassion that things will flow our way.
Oh yeah...
I hear all the talk inside my own head (and my higher self) - do this, do that, think this way, walk that way... I KNOW THE RULES like the back of my hand...
Nobody knows them better.
And what's more, I am CONSCIOUSLY aware of all that I do, even when it's wrong, every moment of every day.
and yet, moving through this quagmire of physical mass using the principles I've learned is more difficult to transcend than I care to admit.
Mostly, I have a mistrust about the process itself.
I WANT TO SEE it in action. I WANT TO KNOW without a shadow of a doubt.
And like a typical Westerner, Faith is just another popular girl's name, like Hope or Charity.
And although I've come a long way, I still get stuck in some old patterns.
If I sweat over my work or my writing, I think I'm getting something done.
If I worry, I know what I'm worrying over must be TERRIBLY important. And if it gives me a headache, well then... look at how HARD I must be working.
But worrying is never terribly important because it accomplishes nothing. As a matter of fact, it is a hindrance.
I am ridiculous.
Most of us are... with our own self-subscribed set of behaviors that don't mean anything, don't do us any good, and aren't logical in the least.
Yet we are attached to them like dogs in heat.
Have you ever seen dogs copulate? They're stuck together - sometimes for hours (even beyond impregnation) - just so nature can ensure propagation of their species.
That's what we're like with our old, outdated modes of worry, concerns over nothing, and habits of stress that give us heart attacks, migraines and an assortment of other ailments that are, according to modern medicine, responsible for 80% of the deaths and diseases in the western world.
And those of us who know better, do it anyway.
But that's not the way it works.
I bet even Joan of Arc had her doubts like the rest of us.
"Did I hear a voice? Did God really just tell me to get an army together and lead the way wearing chain mail and brandishing a sword?
And what's with this whole cutting my hair business? Is he out of his frakkin' mind? I'm suppose to be looking for a husband, not an army.
Sheesh.... (pause)...
I'm hearing voices. Am I nuts? If I tell anyone, they're going to lock me up...
(contemplation)...
Alright, fuck. I'll do it. But it's not because I want to, but from everything I've read the wrath of God would suck ass worse than being burned at the stake.
I hate this lesser of two evils bullshit."
But Joan of Arc, did it anyway. Even though you know she had some serious doubt-ridden dialogue in her head.
And that's what it's all about.
Because what invariably happens is that after the fact, (you know, whatever little things we were sweating over passes and we realized we panicked and worried for nothing), we tell ourselves, next time, I'll remember this. Because I know better.
So I'm going to try harder (or maybe less hard) to do things right. And instead of worrying so much, I'm going to get to that point that exists after the fact, and transplant it to the 'before' place so I can avoid the waste of time better known as worry.
It's only a mental addiction... how hard could it be?
