Is there such a thing as true love? Or is it all in our minds?
Seems the answer is yes to both. And since the only true reality exists in our minds (a teasing intro to a future blog), it's 'yes' to the former, because it's 'yes' to the latter.
World leading anthropologists like Helen Fisher and William Janowiak (among others) have discovered a physiological (not cultural) basis to romantic love.
They found out that certain parts of the brain releases dopamines when people who claim to be 'in love' thought about their partners, triggering a release of 'good vibrations'. (If only I could figure out how to bottle such a delectable drug, I could quit my day job and put all my kids through college).
But from the little reading I have done so far, (don't worry, there's more to come down the road), it's quite consuming. So much so, that some anthropologists are suggesting we are emotionally monogamous.
Some people can handle being in more than one sexual relationship (though I'm not one of them), but not emotionally (ie; not romantically).
Every woman interviewed in the polyandrous societies of the High Himalyans claimed their lives were "emotionally challenging" because they had more than one husband - note: not consort - and as a result, preferred a monogamous relationship.
Making sure someone is emotionally satisfied takes way more energy than satisfying them sexually. After a while, if you've been doing it right all along, chances are it will become more effortless - you get to know them, they get to know you, you figure each other out, blah blah blah... but seriously. Three husbands?
Please kill me.
There are enough neurological differences between men and women as it is, never mind all those other factors like environment, personality, genes, to think that you can spread it around to a few lovers and make them all feel "special".
Love is a powerful feeling and you really can't be in love with more than one person at a time. Lust? Mabye. Love? No. Love... real love, is monogamous. And as Fisher says, 'it's something we're willing to die for.'
The question is, what is real love?
So my friend Jim asked me a couple of questions today that I would like to answer here based somewhat on the information I have begun to pull together on the nature of love:
"Could you forgive infidelity? Should Tiger's wife forgive him?"
After all, Tiger didn't love those women, he lusted after them.
According to the research, every society in the world distinguises between the two. And every society has difficulty reconciling them.
Here's what I think... straight from my email response...
infidelity....
a one night stand, yeah, i could probably forgive that, though it speaks to trust and i'd be wondering if they'd ever do it again... so that might turn into a problem on its own... a relationship is suppose to be based on trust and if that's gone, you're fucked. but it's possible to get over that if there's remorse and there were extenuating circumstances, like lots of alcohol, immaturity.... but yeah, i think so....
a string of one night stands? less likely - because it speaks to habit and i'd be putting myself at risk for a number of things, including one of those one night stands turning into an affair, or my 'husband' bringing home a disease...
as for an affair of the heart?
never.
it's the one thing about romantic love helen fisher talks about that had the most impact on me. human beings are emotionally (ie; romantically) monogamous by nature. even swingers, who agree to an open marriage, do so only providing the other person comes home to 'them'.... their heart belongs to one. that's why people are willing to die over love (the romantic kind), but would never put their lives on the line for a woman they screw.
or a woman for a gigollo for that matter.
sex is sex, (and can be forgiven - it won't be easy or pretty, but it's possible) but the real deal is a sacred thing and as such it must be honored.
as for tiger woods?
unforgiveable.
because he's too immature to know what he did. and he gave these women his time and energy and flew them around... things he should have been doing with his wife. he was half screwing them, half courting them. he was playing the game of love, even if he had no plans to follow through... that's a slap in the face to the wife, coming from a confused man who has not earned the privilege of the benefits love entails.
and he was feeding off of all of it for the purposes of his own ego.
tiger has no idea what love is, no concept whatsoever.... at least not right now. he's too young, too immature. and one mistake gone public cannot fix that.
she'd be crazy to take him back.
but, i'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say he loved his wife as best he could (which isn't saying much).... the thing is... everyone wants to think they love.... and people genuinely DO. they love to their fullest capacity and can love no more. (and for most people, this is limited).
now that doesn't mean they're bad people, it just means that their capacity to love might be less (or different) than it is for other people. here's an example....
i dated a guy - mike in chicago - he was absolutely crazy about me (claimed to be). i was the love of his life, blah blah blah.... (supposedly and i believed him)...
but his idea of 'love' had limits and that's why i couldn't be with him any more. and when he told me again (a few years after we broke up) that i was his "one and only" and how he "dreamed of coming to canada and showing up at my door and sweeping me off my feet" so we could be together again....
"well.... dude", i thought, ".... then just do it".
please be the ultimate NIKE commercial. and just frakkin' do it!
but...
when a man backs up that statement with...."but i don't have a passport to get across the border"... it doesn't mean all that much anymore when all that would take is applying for one.
it's not that mike didn't love me. he simply loved me as much as he could. which is fine. but let's face it. he's talking to a woman who moved to another country for love (me) and would do it again. and before that little fiasco, i stuck it out in an awful marriage for a long time, because i understood that you don't just leave. and believe me, i had reason to.
i would walk over hot coals for the right guy. i know that about myself. but this time, he's gotta be worth it. and he's gotta earn it. cuz i'm good for it. and i'm not taking any less.
so sometimes, i think the ability to love takes someone who has experienced great suffering so they know how precious it is.... and how lucky they are to have found it.
tiger doesn't get that. and neither do most people.
he doesn't understand how fortunate he was because he never had to sacrifice anything to get it. nor did he suffer to find her. nor do i think he had to work for it all that hard (or even at all)... tiger never earned it.
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If true love exists - and apparently it does in the minds (literally) of all of us... then those people who are lucky enough to find it (more on that later), are hopefully smart enough to hang on to it.
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Next: reconciling love and lust....
