It's all about intent...

"Those who can, write... those who can't, blog".

That was essentially the dour note served by my lovely companion (and writer friend) over dinner yesterday.

Okay. Maybe I read between the lines a little.

It was more like, "Well, I suppose if you don't intend on finishing that book you can always blog".

Or something to that effect.

I don't remember exactly as the truth behind his words obliterated the superficial content of his throw-away comment. But I read it right. I must have. It cut like a knife.

In a split second, I read the intent behind the words.

The real meaning.

The hidden message.

Wrapped in certain tone, a tilt of the head, the raising of an eyebrow. A subtle challenge. A taunting, duel-like proposal from a like-minded individual.

Writers.

An ultra-sensitive lot of life-observing sleuths with sharp tongues. We have no problem letting other people know exactly what we think - especially other writers.

I was bang on.

It's the same as a kid in my class using the word 'fudge' today.

In grade 3 somebody is bound to rat you out.

The loyalty of an 8 year old lies strictly in avoiding the principal's office and that usually means shifting the focus elsewhere.

As a result of covering their own butts, I've got a class policing its own behavior.

It's awesome. Nobody gets away with squat.

Anyway... in his defense, the kid says to me:

"What's wrong with fudge"?

"It's not the word" I told him, "It's the intent. You intended to use a bad word but knew you'd never get away with it so you replaced it with another word, but really? WE ALL KNOW what you REALLY wanted to say."

"Yeah" said the mini moral police, "you REALLY wanted to use that OTHER bad word".

The kid didn't have too much to say after that because it was true. But based on his look of shock and confusion for getting into trouble for (technically) NOT SWEARING, I let him off with a warning...

"Remember" I said, "I'll bust your intent every time. So search your mind for the truth and honor behind your words and actions as these are the only things that will keep you safe from my wrath should you falter again Grasshoppa...".

Okay. Maybe I didn't say that either but I wanted to. It came out more like:

"Go home kid. And if you say it again, you're dead meat".

Dead meat. The kid chuckled then nodded. INTENT. They all know I don't mean it so they're never scared. As a matter of fact, they probably spend too much time laughing at me and don't heed my warnings nearly enough.

It's not what you say. It's NEVER what you say. It's the power and energy behind your words that determine how you come off. At least in person.

But not in your writing.

It's trickier there. People can't see your face when you tell the story so they have to trust that you're telling it well enough that they are interpreting the tone the way you intended it.

And then there's the trickiest intent of all - The INTENT TO DO SOMETHING.

An intent to DO something is worth NOTHING unless it's followed through.

The rule that applies to spoken INTENTS possess an additional component because those words require an accompanying action to justify their own validity.

Take for instance the following statement:

"I intend to write my book".

The truth is lots of people do. I'm one of them.

But until I finish this one, the only thing I have to go on is the fact that I managed to write one before. But that's no guarantee that I'll do it again.

And right now frankly, I'd be happy with a bloody outline.

But I think I'm okay with that. For what it's worth, my intention is pure. I know when I say, 'write' I don't mean 'ponder', or 'pretend to write a book' or 'talk about writing a book' or even 'fudge a book'.

I mean, WRITE.

But only time will tell...

Like a bad penny...

...I will always come back...

I don't even know what that means.

How does a bad penny come back? And who would want one to? Who even uses pennies anymore except when they're adding to one of those 'add a penny, leave a penny' dishes at the gas station?

Anyway...

It's been too damn long.

For better or worse I had given up the blog to engage in more fruitful pursuits - namely to focus on my job and to write another book.

Truth be told, I couldn't balance it all; a new teaching assignment, a new writing venue, an always busy family life and as usual, a weird love life.

True, I am a reformed Catholic, but the guilt of being unable to keep up with my blog on a regular basis ate at my soul like that vulture chewing on Prometheus's liver.

Poor bastard.

I admit, I am prone to exaggeration. It's not like I stole fire from Zeus or anything but I did experience something that everyone experiences many times in their lives but I just couldn't take it anymore.

FAILURE

Truth be told, failure is a relative term and can only be gauged by the individual experiencing it (one guy's failure is another's lottery win) but here I was, pulling my hair out because I had done what I thought was everything to make my six month experiment a success and came up painfully short.

I did manage a number of things that have changed positively over the course of the last year and I will get into that next time, but publishing my book wasn't one of them - in spite of having secured an agent within 3 weeks of finishing it.

But I also haven't heard from her in almost a year.

That can't be a good.

So, here I am, in the middle of report cards and less than 7 weeks away from the end of my teaching term at which time I will go back to subbing until the end of the school year. This way, I can come home from work and leave the day behind me instead of feeling like a snail carrying its house everywhere it goes.

Sure, there will always be distractions - things that add to that journey, things that take precedence - like my stepmom's aneurism for example (that's another story) - but all in all, if I really believe that anything is possible - and yes, I still do - then it's time to get my act together and give it another shot.

So, here I go again - time for another six month experiment.

I'll be damned if I don't give 'er until the day I die...

P.S. It's good to be back...

The Art of an Effective Pack

PACK #1 - The 'yes' pack. The yes pack is composed of a group of people who give each other moral support no matter what.

Sounds like a great idea in theory as it's good for the ego, but it's downright ineffective idea as a tool for personal growth. That's the group when even if you're wrong about something you're complaining about, will agree with you because that's how they define loyalty.

Here's an example: If you're venting to your pack about your significant other and you're clearly the one at fault, the pack will still refer to your partner as 'the bastard' in your defense and call it honor.

In other words, you'll always be right when you incite your friends to support you - it's the 'common enemy' factor... and they love being incensed on your behalf whether you deserve it or not.

PACK #2 - The party pack. The party pack is composed of people who are always ready to support you in getting away from your problems.

They're awesome when it comes to good-ol' fashioned escapism. When you call them up to vent, share your pain, or ask for an opinion, they say:

"Dude that sucks. Why don't you come out with us tonite and fuggetaboutit"?

And you know there will always be a pack heading to the bar or someone's house to whoop it up, buy you a beer, lend you their couch when you're too drunk to go home and offer you a tylenol in the morning.

And then there's...

PACK #3 - The 'Tell-it-like-it-is' pack. These guys are the ones who don't let you get away with squat but support what's in your best interest at the time.

The thing is, you might not always like them because their function is to kick your ass when you need it, tell you things you don't want to hear (and sometimes it sucks to find out you're in the wrong).

Generally, when they see something out of whack, they keep at it until you see the way it really is, not the way you'd like it to be. And every tell-it-like-it-is pack has someone in it who, when they see something painfully wrong with you, will call one of the other pack members and say:

"Guys, I think we need an intervention."

This is the tough-love pack.

The ones who will sacrifice their friendship with you if they see you going down the wrong path and you stubbornly refuse to do anything about it.

The ones whose very conduct influences yours for the better and they don't even have to say anything... they're just on the path of bettering their lives and if you're not along for the ride, well...

sooner or later, you'll find yourself without a pack.

Now, the fact that my support systems have a higher standard to which they think I should aspire can be a royal pain in the ass, so it's not always pleasant or easy...

There are days when all I really want to do is throw in the towel, run away to some remote island and fish for my dinner,(all for the wrong reasons) and play solitaire for the rest of my life, but my pack knows it's not in my true nature to be a recluse for long so they don't let me.

Sure, I can have a few days to lick my wounds, sit on the pity pot and whine about how life has handed me the short end of the stick and pretend I'm working so hard so I can get the sympathy vote, but my days are numbered.

And nothing could make me happier than to know I can count on being told like it is, until I finally decide to get my act together and proceed with the business of life the way I am meant to.

So for what it's worth, thanks to my AP, to Jim, to my boys (who still think I should shoot for the stars after all these years) and to everyone else along the way who puts up with my ups and downs....

Thanks to my tell-it-like-it-is pack.

The Art of a Strong Support System - PART III

I feel stuck this morning.

Not in a really bad way. Just in a I-want-to-get-to-my-writing-but-not-motivated kind of way. The discipline is probably there, but the will is lacking.

Thank God for discipline because I'll do it anyway.

And thank God for my support systems because this is a day I will probably call upon them for a little distraction and pick-me-up.

And if they're all busy? I'll rent a movie or two, pull out those books I need to finish, and carry on.

Getting moral support from your friends is never set in stone. Nor is it a black and white proposition. It requires the malleability of understanding and a certain maturity. Just because they can't today, doesn't mean they wont tomorrow. Or the next day.

It also requires a knowing that you can go it alone today if you have to. Life is built on these sorts of waves and they always pass. Besides, it doesn't mean you are being abandoned by your pack.

I think that's a mistake many people make as they feel 'let down' by others for not being there every time they need them. But perhaps their tank was empty too. Or they needed their energy for other matters they didn't particularly wish to share at the time. It's this ability to be understanding and compassionate that makes this very important dynamic work.

I've been reading a book lately called "Younger Next Year - Living fit, Strong and Sexy Until You're 80 and Beyond". It's fabulous, well written and motivating.

The last section is all about the biology of emotion. It very clearly describes the function of our limbic system (before and now) and how being part of a 'pack' is not only natural, but necessary.

We don't have a choice.

Because of the limbic way we're made, we are not emotional islands. Simply put, we complete each other. In both good and bad ways to be sure, but we do complete each other and therefore we cannot make it alone... p 302.

He goes on to explain that our limbic brain is designed to make sense of the visual world by assessing its emotional effect on our lives. More so than it does for say, making standard detailed visual observations (colors, things, spatial placements of objects, etc).

We have these little things called mirror neurons (and there are millions of them) whose only job it is to pick up on emotions (which happens in our limbic brain) and that's the seat of our biological infrastructure for empathy.

So whether we like it or no, we are physically and biologically designed not only to connect with others, but to make millions of micro-assessments of our emotional world every day, all day long.

In other words, even if we don't think it's that important, our bodies seem to think so. It's how we spend most of our subconscious energy.

Hmmm.

It must be pretty damn important.

Now that there's proof that it's vital to your well being, you have to figure out what kind of pack is beneficial to you and what isn't. There's basically three kinds.

PACK #1 - The 'yes' pack. The yes pack is composed of a group of people who give each other moral support no matter what.

PACK #2 - The party pack. The party pack is composed of people who are always ready to support you in getting away from your problems.

PACK #3 - The 'Tell-it-like-it-is' pack. These guys are the ones who don't let you get away with squat but support what's in your best interest at the time.

Next time - The pros and cons of each pack and taking off your rose-colored glasses....

The Art of a Strong Support System - PART II

Person 1 and person 2 are dating... the topic of asking for help comes up...

person 1. You can never rely on anyone but yourself.

person 2. That's not true, I rely on lots of people.

person 1. Well I don't. Everyone I've ever known has let me down. They're never there when you really need them.

person 2. That's not true, the people I know are always there when I need them. I can think of at least 5 people I could call at the drop of a hat if I was in trouble or just needed my closet cleaned out and couldn't bring myself to throw out my last boyfriend's sweatshirt or something.

person 1. (sarcastically) Nice.

person 2. You know what I mean. That doesn't mean I take advantage of it. I don't call on them for the little things I can take care of myself both emotionally or otherwise, but when I need a hand or I'm really choked about something, I know I can pick up the phone.

person 1. Well, you're lucky then.

person 2. I am, but I don't think it's luck so much as learning how to ask for help.

person 1. I'll never do that. And I mean never. I could be dying and I wouldn't ask for help.

person 2. I used to be like you. It's a retarded way to live, going through life alone, playing the martyr... it's so Joan of Arc.

person 1. Thanks.

person 2. You know what I mean. Why do you think we're all here on this planet together? So we can suffer alone? NO! so we can commiserate and ease each other's burden!

person 1. (Getting choked. He fails to see the humor in most anything I say.)

person 2. Okay, so you don't know anyone you can call on for help. Fair enough. Your support systems suck and mine don't. But I'm here. You can always call me up and say, "hey, I've had a crappy day. Can I come over?" or "I really need some help cleaning out the garage".

person 1. I would never do that.

person 2. (in disbelief) Get outta here.

person 1. (silence)

person 2. Seriously?

person 1. Yeah. Seriously.

person 2. (getting pissed off) Then why are you in a relationship?

person 1 (now totally ticked off). Oh, so NOW you're questioning the RELATIONSHIP???

person 2. Oh geez. That's not what I'm saying...

In retrospect, that's probably just what I was saying.

You can see where this is going.

Person 1 was fixated on a false generalization: ALL PEOPLE ARE UNRELIABLE and the only person you can count on is yourself. NO EXCEPTIONS.

Gee thanks.

The entire trust issue was at stake at a fundamental level so deep it wasn't even about the relationship anymore. It was about humanity in general.

As you can probably predict, this relationship fell apart shortly thereafter (and for a myriad of reasons not directly related to this particular conversation), but this conversation was in itself a huge red flag.

Person 1 was convinced that he was a 'giver' in this life. That was his job. He wasn't particularly crazy about it as there was a constant exhaustion in his good deeds to help others but he labelled himself as a giver nevertheless.

Like he had no choice.

If I said to him, "You are such a good father to your kids. They're lucky to have you", the response was, "I don't know any other way to be".

Sniff sniff.

How about because you WANT to be, not because you're stuck in a role you think God meant for you.

(That's not a very nice God if that's the case).

And what about free will? Authenticity? Being true to yourself?

In all fairness, it's easier said than done when you've been 'responsible' all your life and think the obligations that come with that role are set in stone and life has sucked you dry because you "give, give give" and nothing comes back your way.

Or does it not come back your way because you give, give, give and never ASK for it in return?

It's a slippery slope.

And if you attach manifesting principles to this you're treading in dangerous waters.

If you become completely self-reliant (to the point of obsessiveness) do you then get exactly what you project? Nobody to help you because you've given the universe the message that you will NEVER need it?

And then you attract people and experiences that verify your belief system over and over again until you've created the world you believe exists around you?

Shiza!

All I know is in order for energy to flow, it has to go both ways. If it doesn't, it WILL get stuck somewhere along the circuit.

It has to FLOW.

And for it to flow, you need to surround yourself with a few (less than a handful - family, friends, or preferrably both) that you can count on as much as they can count on you.

If you've never asked for help, the hardest part is putting your ego aside to ask for it when you need it and not giving up when one person can't fulfill that need.

You're bound to be disappointed sometimes. It doesn't mean it's OVER. Or we're all self-absorbed and selfish.

Yes, people are busy with their own lives, but one of those handful of people will come to your aid when you really need it.

That's why you need more than one person in your corner.

Don't get me wrong - givers are terrific people with huge hearts. He was one of them. And so was I. I know, I was one of them in every relationship, but too much of anything is never a good thing.

Too much 'giving' builds resentment (sometimes subtly and insidiously so) and is draining.

For life to work, you have to be both a giver and a taker or better yet - to learn how to both give and to receive)....

To lean more heavily on one side or the other spells imbalance and disaster in any aspect of your life.

Next - the necessity of having friends in any relationship