The Ashley Madison controvery - To cheat or not to cheat Part III

Madison Schmadison.

There are only a few circumstances under which a steamy affair might be forgiven or understandable.

Claiming 'it's an inevitable fact of life' is not one of them. (Bite me Biderman).

Here are the possible exceptions:

1. The Victorian Era. (Or any modern arranged marriage that places the bride-to-be (or husband-to-be for that matter) in a highly unfavorable position, but over which she/he has no control due to cultural obligations/guilt/threat of death.

Just ask Jane Austen (or any satirist in either the Georgian Period or the Victorian Era - those golden years from the mid 1600's to late 1800's where you were either part of the gentry or a loser).

Austen's novels highlight "the dependence of women on marriage to secure social standing and economic security" - without which, they were left penniless in a society that had virtually no social security net.

She might have been one of the first to target the 'stuckness' of women while still remaining hopeful of finding and acquiring 'true love' (hope springs eternal even in the most restrictive of societies).

But back then, the reality was if you dared disobey your parents' wishes of marriage to a man who within five years would have fewer teeth than your first born child at the age of one, you were screwed for life.

Not only would you be penniless with no way to earn a living but you would be ostracized and probably die of some interminable disease on the streets of London.

(See cartoonist William Hogarth's print above, circa 1720).

So you might as well just go ahead and inject yourself with the black plague rather than reject a suitor determined to be 'perfectly suitable' for you at the tender age of 15 because according to mom and dad, his 'good social standing' should have had you turning cartwheels in the foyer.

Screw them. They don't have to chisel his toenails every night.

So if that fifteen year old ends up having a steamy affair with the gardener she is secretly in love with who is closer to her age, then may the Gods hide her indiscretion and grant her the one thing we all secretly desire - true, passionate love.

Which brings us to...

2. True Love

Now that doesn't mean I'm condoning affairs by any means, but I am willing to take into account the one thing stronger than any socially determined propriety or even legal obligation - LOVE.

Not lust - let me make that perfectly clear - but rather the real thing that often defies logic to everyone but the two involved whose love and passion for each other is worth dying for (Romeo & Juliet) or even worth suffering perpetual ridicule for (Prince Charles and Camilla, Dutchess of Cornwall).

I mean seriously, I still think there's something wrong with a man who would rather be Camilla's tampon over the doting husband of Princess Diana, but I cannot argue his feelings for Camilla.

Those two have stayed the course of true love through stormy weather - accusations of infidelity (probably true) and planned sabotage (probably not).

Throughout the barrage the man remained true to his feelings for her while suffering the verbal and emotional outrage of confused, royalty-watching sycophants and the dingo-like devourings of the gossip media.

Good for him.

This does not mean I think it's okay if you're married to go ahead and act on your feelings. I still think there's a right way and a wrong way of doing things that doesn't incur bad karma or devastate those around you, but... I get it.

And once the dust has settled, the truth is out in the open and twenty years have passed, it's pretty hard for anyone to dispute the fact that these two were meant to be together.

However, it's a tad more acceptable if the 'couple' accidentally found each other during complicated circumstances and spent years pining their predicament in the form of unrequited love, until finally giving in.

But this whole business of actually SETTING UP AN AFFAIR by signing up for a dating site that provides a forum in which two people can prepare to be adulterous is ridiculous and beyond ANY logical progression even a torrid affair can claim.

3. The "MISTAKE"

Alright. I'm not so pure or self-righteous as to think I'm entitled to climb onto a soapbox of morality because I can lay claim to have lived my life error-free.

Let he who has never sinned cast the first stone

BUT...

There are acts of adultery triggered by either too much consumption of alcohol or even emotional desperation that cause in those who engage in them great remorse for THE REST OF THEIR LIVES.

These are known as mistakes.

Bad ones albeit, (and many, depending on the circumstances are never forgiven, causing the dissolution of marriage), but they are mistakes nevertheless.

But the potential exists for forgiveness by the person whose trust has been violated.

So for what it's worth, those are my three exceptions. The rest is bullshit.

This whole business of setting yourself up for a planned affair, (sometimes for no reason save you're bored with your current arrangements), then perform the dirty deed, feel nothing but satisfaction that you got away with it, and never beg for forgiveness, is bound to eat away at your soul for a very, very long time.

It's inevitable.

Like I said before, we are all accountable to each other, to society and to the Universe as a whole.

Most of all, we are accountable to ourselves.

I'm of the camp that believes we inherently understand right from wrong and suffer personal ramifications of our own doing for things we genuinely understand to be in violation of universal rules like trust and loyalty.

And that's what this business between two people who have made a committment to each other is.

So, if trust is the foundation of any relationship, then engaging in acts that violate this trust is a sure way to slowly erode whatever relationship you are attempting to build - whether your partner finds out about your indiscretion or not.

It's like Chinese water torture. It might be one drip at at time, but eventually it's going to bore a hole in your head.

So save yourself the aggravation.

Don't fall for Biderman's argument that having an affair is the "only thing that will save the modern marriage".

Trust me, communication is.

And that's all she wrote...

Where your next inspiration hails (or doesn't) - PART II - The Ashley Madison controversy

Named after a character in Entourage who had a romantic fling with James Woods, this dating site promises "an affair to remember" or your money back.

(All $249 of your 'guarantee package price' if you don't get laid by a fellow reprobate within three months).

"Life is short. Have an affair." That's their motto.

I have a better idea. How about NOT?

Call me a nutbag but I think they missed the whole point of marriage (and shall I venture to say, even an affair)?

Bear with me.

Never one to judge another's moral disposition, (after all, one person's paradise is another's ticket to hell), there is something inherently illogical regarding the founder's argument that makes, even a liberal like me, pause mid-air, squint my eyes, raise one eyebrow Scooby-doo style and say:

"Whoa!... wait just a doggone minute there buster!"

To which the founder replies:

"Infidelity is a fact of life... [we] provide a safe and successful platform for those who have decided to proceed down this path."

Safe from what? The dangers of VD? (As if there's any guarantee)

Or safe that you won't get caught by your wife or husband because everyone is in the same boat with just as much to lose as you?

Successful? If you think having an affair with a willing partner who signed up to have one is successful then you've got another thing coming (no pun intended).

Any jackass can shoot partridge in a cage.

Here's what I don't get.

The men I interviewed for my book claimed that the best part of dating was the chase. So much so, that most of them lost interest in a woman who gave it up too early, even if they liked them a whole lot before the naked dance party.

This held so true across the board that hard core hunters (a.k.a. players) told me they never bother putting themselves in the 'intimate' category of a dating profile, because they prefer to chase nice girls - it poses a greater challenge.

As a result of this psychosis, they put themselves in the "looking for long-term" category even when they have no intention of settling down with anyone. And women players (believe me, they're out there) do the same.

It's pretty yucky but you can usually weed them out (trust me I know - I learned the hard way).

But if the chase is not the point, then what is?

Getting away with something?

That's so Junior High.

Variety?

If you want variety, tell your partner you want an open marriage or you want to be single. Then you can have all the variety you want. You BOTH can.

Excitement?

If it's a "safe" environment and there's no danger of getting caught, then where's the excitement? You'd get more excitement stealing bubble gum from a 7/11.

It's FREE?

Not if you pay the guarantee subscription price of $249 it isn't. Can anyone say, Pimp my ride?

You're bored?

Find a hobby. Buy a sex toy. Get a dog.

If you start down this road, I've got news for you. You're going to get bored REALLY FAST more often. There is no end to it. Ask anyone who's had a stream of extra-marital affairs:

The first time is the hardest. After that, it gets easier.

And I challenge the founder on his statement because he forgot to finish it:

"Infidelity is a fact of life... for SOME people."

And just because it exists, doesn't mean it's a good idea.

If it was, we would simply do away with marriage as an institution. People would engage in contractual living arrangements that would make each partner feel financially secure and then call it a day, moral turpitude aside.

What he is really saying, is we have to accept it.

That's like saying, "Heroine is here to stay. Deal with it."

As far as I'm concerned, as long as infidelity is grounds for divorce, it's as illegal as smoking crack or shooting heroine. And just because a pusher doesn't fill your syringe and shove a needle in your arm doesn't make him less accountable in the eyes of the law.

We all have free will. No one is disputing that.

But that doesn't mean we're okay with a salesman's approach to promoting behaviour that can have nothing but detrimental consequences on a person's emotional well-being, never mind society's (or the 'pusher's' own karma).

We are ALL interconnected. Make no mistake of that. What one person does, on some level, affects us all.

And just for the record, founder Noel Biderman claims affairs are "bound to save the modern marriage" - yet he is faithful to his wife.

Uh huh.

Next - A devil's advocate approach to the Affair.

You just never know where your next inspiration hails... PART I

... or from where will come a gentle reminder that life extends beyond our own peripheral vision.

And I got it as a facebook post from a guy who was part of the "Fargo Bus Group":

David H. saw a grey whale blow spray while surfing the westport jetty today with snowy mountains and a full ass moon behind me as the sun was dropping into the sea. mama nature in full effect!! topped off with some cave singers and a fresh cup of jo from the hungry whale gas station for the drive home. shredding life...

And I muttered to myself: Well would ya look at that! There IS a world that exists outside of my self-imposed cynicism!

WHO KNEW?!

As a quick recap, the "Fargo Bus Group" was born out of a Greyhound bus trip adventure back in July.

We were stranded in Fargo for a few hours when our bus missed its connection due to a passenger-related border delay from Winnipeg to Chicago.

With lots of time to kill in a tiny bus station, someone piped up:

"Who wants to go for a beer?"

A few people stood up: Anna from New Zealand, the teachers/roommates from Alberta, me n' Roy from Winnipeg, some dude from Montreal and David from San Diego.

And we headed out to surf the downtown area of Fargo for a place that served cheap beer and bar munchies, swap stories of where we were going and make the best of our delay.

The things I learned that afternoon were invaluable.

Like, if you mix beer with fruit punch it makes a refreshing summer drink. And how to inject vodka properly into watermelon to give it a real kick. And how surfing conditions are different depending on what beach you're on; Thailand, Bali, or the California Coast.

As you can probably guess by now, I became more a receiver of information than a contributor.

(Memories of college days that had sorely evaded me).

But strangely enough one of the things we had in common despite our age differences, was how we all believed that life was meant to be lived, not endured.

And that delays, side tracks and other circumstances that encourage patience, flexibility or a sudden change of plans is part n' parcel with life and should be embraced because they all offer opportunities for connecting with new people, slowing down, and blah blah blah.

I've said all this before.

So why was it so important to me today?

Well, I've been in limbo city since I discovered this whole literary process thing is going to take longer than originally anticipated. And reading David's facebook post gave me the lift I needed.

Sometimes, you just have to ride the wave and take stock of what's around you and remember that recognizing the truth of what exists in that moment is a gift that is unique.

And also, what you do with it.

David shared what he saw. It was that simple.

And it affected me positively in a much greater way than he probably ever anticipated when he wrote it.

I observe life. I point out the innane. And I hope that someone along the way will also benefit once in a while, from my observations.

The truth of the matter is, I think my intentions with this book were pretty straight-forward.

Using my own experiences as 'what not to do', I discovered some red flags and funny advice bits I hope will benefit others looking for love online.

I guess the bottom line is, I still think that we are accountable for whatever we do on some level to each other, to society, and to the Universe.

Okay, I admit it, writing a survival guide on Internet Dating isn't on the same level as Doctors Without Borders or Amnesty International. But hey, even those guys need love.

Everybody does.

And if my little part helps others feel more confident about getting out there and dating again by showing there's light at the end of the tunnel (and I'm not talking Near Death Experience though a break-up often feels like it) - then by golly, I've achieved my purpose!

And the only reason I started thinking about this today is because I was stuck wondering what kind of blog post I should write when my son said:

"Why don't you talk about Ashley Madison"?

"Who's Ashley Madison?"

But I think I'll leave that for next time...

Na na na na na na na na Batman!

Batman! da na na na na na na na Batman! da na na na na na na na, BATMAN! da na na na na na na na batman! da na na na na na na na BATMAN! Batman! Batman! da na na na na na na na... !!!

Before there was Michael Keaton, before sexy Val Kilmer, before most eligible bachelor George Clooney, or dark brooding Christian Bale... there was the one... the only... ADAM WEST.

And if any of you were actually singing to the opening da na na na na na na, theme song to this post, then you know the legend of whom I speak.

BLAM! KAPOW! BOOM!

And tonight, at the largest comic convention in the prairies, Mr. Adam West warmly returned my handshake accompanied by words so flattering they would have melted dark chocolate on a iceberg floating in the Atlantic on a cold January morning.

To anyone but a trained eye, it would have looked (and sounded) a lot like he was flirting. And to my boys, the story will always be:

"Remember the time when Batman hit on mom?"

But keeping my fragile female vanity in check (and to be fair to all the other adoring fans), he was, upon keen observation, simply portraying the true picture of grace and appreciation that he is.

On some level, here was a man who understood that adoring fans (and the timeless popularity of an iconic series based on one of DC's greatest heroes), were directly responsible for affording him this unbelievable life.

Think about it. He gets to make people happy with his mere presence. And makes a lot of money doing it. Bonus!

But not all celebrities feel that way.

There are enough stories of celebs who make no bones about their distaste for the paparazzi and adoring fans to make you wonder why they ever chose acting in the first place.

But then again, like everything else, it all comes down to that feeling thing again.

And I bet Adam West is a lot happier than someone like Megan Fox whose negativity on set is becoming legendary among crew members (who long for the day when she is a has-been doing porn for less than a hooker makes on nickel day as punishment for being evil to people who have done nothing but show her unwarranted civility).

It may sound corny, but being grateful for the little things is a big deal when it comes to the quality of your life. It has to do again, with perception.

As you think, so you shall be.

And experience has taught me that people who are grateful for where they are in life and what they have regardless of what it is (ie; dreams achieved or not), are simply better off on all levels.

Ironically, being grateful usually brings it own reward in the form of serendipitous events that carry within them seeds of opportunity that hold the potential to propel one forward to the very goals that elude them.

But in the end, it wouldn't be nearly as much fun without those struggles.

Our best stories - the ones shared over drinks at the bar, or at backyard parties - are comprised of the struggles we endured along the way and how alive some of those challenges made us feel as each one tested our character to the limit.

I'm sure whoever set up the game, had this in mind.

Or in the words of Robin:

The way we get into these scrapes and get out of them, it's almost as though someone was dreaming up these situations; guiding our destiny. - Robin

So whether Adam West was destined to be Batman, or Megan Fox destined to be the hot chick in action flicks, or whether I am destined to be a best-selling author is something we'll never know.

But we control the journey to a large extent, with our attitudes.

And I for one, would like to thank Mr. Adam West for reminding me.

Once more with feeling...

Just so y'all know... acting "as if" is not about owning a BMW.

It never was. It could be, if that's what floated my boat. But it doesn't have to be.

It's all about the feeling.

Manifesting principles are all about working and feeling your way to a better life, to a better frame of mind.

And in my books, the best kind of life has to do with quality - not quantity.

That means quality of living, quality of time well spent. Less 9-5, more doing what I was designed to do in life (and from wherever I choose), while balancing that 'career' with a bucket list that sounds more like a permanent adventure vacation mixed in with rest periods of rejuvenating hedonism.

How do I feel getting up in the morning, about to face another day of what it is that I do? Am I doing what I do best? Or am I just doing what I am doing because those are the cards I was dealt?

I believe in stacking the deck in one's favor.

Ferriss refers to quality of life as that which gives you the most freedom. In doing so, he compares relative income to absolute income. Relative income uses two variables (p. 36) - dollar and time, while absolute income uses one -dollar.

If you make $100,000 a year by working 80 hours a week, you've worked a total of 4,160 hours - minus your 80 hours vacation per year - 4,080 hours. $100,000 divided by 4,080 = approximately $24.50/hr.

That's your hourly wage.

And if you're lucky, you've had 2 weeks in the sun as a respite from all that stress. But your absolute income is $100,000.

Say you make an income of $50,000 a year, but work only 10 hours a week, you start to factor in the free time you have. This becomes relative income. 10 hours a week works out to 520 hours a year. 50,000 divided by 520 = you're making approximately $96/hr.

Dude B is making almost four times as much as dude A given the amount of time each spends actually working. It's all relative.

If you love what you do to the point where those hours feel more like fun than work, then by all means, knock yerself out. But my guess is that's the exception, not the norm for most people.

And to participate in a lifestyle that is based on relative income, you have to have an idea, a job, or a platform upon which you can slowly extricate yourself from the rat race, one hour at a time, until you are performing your 'duties' either remotely or without so many hours of stress-inducing office-environment obligations.

Hence the book. Which requires (almost always) an agent, who is part of a hierarchy without which your chances of having publishing doors open are practically nil - guaranteed.

(We are practically invisible in this world without the chains of command that bind us to each other).

Here's where that 'feeling' comes in again: It's only a good feeling when you control it and make it so.

If someone in the chain of command of your life - someone to which you have given certain power, responsibility or emotional authority - either doesn't step up to the plate, falls short, or is too busy to do so, then that feeling you have managed to sustain may be in jeopardy - UNLESS, you have a backup plan.

As I am slowly discovering, I will be waiting for weeks before anything I wrote will be read by my agent, let alone sent to a publishing house because, "That's just the way it is. Things move slowly in the field of publishing." One client at a time...

I won't get into the details that made me feel like I should have been mailed one of those numbers you pull from the dispenser at a deli along with my contract, except that I am in a 'queue' patiently waiting my turn.

And I have no choice. Or do I?

After getting over the shock that I am insignificant in the large scheme of things because I am unknown, unproven and unpublished, I turned once again to the thing that drives me forward...

Call it a feeling

It took me a few days to generate that feeling again that told me a combination of faith and hard work was my surefire recipe for success, but I got it back.

After managing to successfully generate and sustain a limitless possibilities feeling, based purely on speculation alone, unrecognized talent and sheer determination I am ashamed to admit, one conversation was all it took to send me spinning backwards into doubt mode.

And it wasn't even my agent's fault. She's just swamped and busy beyond. I could hear it in her voice. (That, and she asked me the same questions she did before, the answers to which she already knew).

I still think she's a gunner. I just have to give her time. But that's not the point.

Like I've said before - we are entirely responsible for our own 'feelings'. And those feelings are largely what dictates our successes and our failures.

I may not be able to control what anyone else says or does (or doesn't say or do for that matter), but the one thing I can control is how I respond.

That was a huge lesson for me this week. And it took me a few days until I could even write about it because I was so choked.

Now however, I'm back on board and ready for a new strategy. After all, if I want things to clip along more quickly, nobody's holding me back.

Except me.

Time to get out of my own way.