Madison Schmadison.
There are only a few circumstances under which a steamy affair might be forgiven or understandable.
Claiming 'it's an inevitable fact of life' is not one of them. (Bite me Biderman).
Here are the possible exceptions:
1. The Victorian Era. (Or any modern arranged marriage that places the bride-to-be (or husband-to-be for that matter) in a highly unfavorable position, but over which she/he has no control due to cultural obligations/guilt/threat of death.
Just ask Jane Austen (or any satirist in either the Georgian Period or the Victorian Era - those golden years from the mid 1600's to late 1800's where you were either part of the gentry or a loser).
Austen's novels highlight "the dependence of women on marriage to secure social standing and economic security" - without which, they were left penniless in a society that had virtually no social security net.
She might have been one of the first to target the 'stuckness' of women while still remaining hopeful of finding and acquiring 'true love' (hope springs eternal even in the most restrictive of societies).
But back then, the reality was if you dared disobey your parents' wishes of marriage to a man who within five years would have fewer teeth than your first born child at the age of one, you were screwed for life.
Not only would you be penniless with no way to earn a living but you would be ostracized and probably die of some interminable disease on the streets of London.
(See cartoonist William Hogarth's print above, circa 1720).
So you might as well just go ahead and inject yourself with the black plague rather than reject a suitor determined to be 'perfectly suitable' for you at the tender age of 15 because according to mom and dad, his 'good social standing' should have had you turning cartwheels in the foyer.
Screw them. They don't have to chisel his toenails every night.
So if that fifteen year old ends up having a steamy affair with the gardener she is secretly in love with who is closer to her age, then may the Gods hide her indiscretion and grant her the one thing we all secretly desire - true, passionate love.
Which brings us to...
2. True Love
Now that doesn't mean I'm condoning affairs by any means, but I am willing to take into account the one thing stronger than any socially determined propriety or even legal obligation - LOVE.
Not lust - let me make that perfectly clear - but rather the real thing that often defies logic to everyone but the two involved whose love and passion for each other is worth dying for (Romeo & Juliet) or even worth suffering perpetual ridicule for (Prince Charles and Camilla, Dutchess of Cornwall).
I mean seriously, I still think there's something wrong with a man who would rather be Camilla's tampon over the doting husband of Princess Diana, but I cannot argue his feelings for Camilla.
Those two have stayed the course of true love through stormy weather - accusations of infidelity (probably true) and planned sabotage (probably not).
Throughout the barrage the man remained true to his feelings for her while suffering the verbal and emotional outrage of confused, royalty-watching sycophants and the dingo-like devourings of the gossip media.
Good for him.
This does not mean I think it's okay if you're married to go ahead and act on your feelings. I still think there's a right way and a wrong way of doing things that doesn't incur bad karma or devastate those around you, but... I get it.
And once the dust has settled, the truth is out in the open and twenty years have passed, it's pretty hard for anyone to dispute the fact that these two were meant to be together.
However, it's a tad more acceptable if the 'couple' accidentally found each other during complicated circumstances and spent years pining their predicament in the form of unrequited love, until finally giving in.
But this whole business of actually SETTING UP AN AFFAIR by signing up for a dating site that provides a forum in which two people can prepare to be adulterous is ridiculous and beyond ANY logical progression even a torrid affair can claim.
3. The "MISTAKE"
Alright. I'm not so pure or self-righteous as to think I'm entitled to climb onto a soapbox of morality because I can lay claim to have lived my life error-free.
Let he who has never sinned cast the first stone
BUT...
There are acts of adultery triggered by either too much consumption of alcohol or even emotional desperation that cause in those who engage in them great remorse for THE REST OF THEIR LIVES.
These are known as mistakes.
Bad ones albeit, (and many, depending on the circumstances are never forgiven, causing the dissolution of marriage), but they are mistakes nevertheless.
But the potential exists for forgiveness by the person whose trust has been violated.
So for what it's worth, those are my three exceptions. The rest is bullshit.
This whole business of setting yourself up for a planned affair, (sometimes for no reason save you're bored with your current arrangements), then perform the dirty deed, feel nothing but satisfaction that you got away with it, and never beg for forgiveness, is bound to eat away at your soul for a very, very long time.
It's inevitable.
Like I said before, we are all accountable to each other, to society and to the Universe as a whole.
Most of all, we are accountable to ourselves.
I'm of the camp that believes we inherently understand right from wrong and suffer personal ramifications of our own doing for things we genuinely understand to be in violation of universal rules like trust and loyalty.
And that's what this business between two people who have made a committment to each other is.
So, if trust is the foundation of any relationship, then engaging in acts that violate this trust is a sure way to slowly erode whatever relationship you are attempting to build - whether your partner finds out about your indiscretion or not.
It's like Chinese water torture. It might be one drip at at time, but eventually it's going to bore a hole in your head.
So save yourself the aggravation.
Don't fall for Biderman's argument that having an affair is the "only thing that will save the modern marriage".
Trust me, communication is.
And that's all she wrote...
