I want to create a lengthy, detailed, no-holds-barred bucket list, spend my life checking off as many items as humanly possible then when I'm 95, turn to my partner (whoever that may be) and say:
"Goddamnit that was fun! Wanna do it again?" with a wink and a wicked smile.
Then I'll keep my fingers crossed at the prospect of another life so I can finish up what I started in this one.
But first, I have to deal with...
mother issues
Ah yes, those lovely, debilitating, mom issues.
Because if I don't remove the old emotional blocks that hamper my progress (in all areas of my life from career to relationships) then I have to factor in the extra time I will require for therapy with friends (over beer n' nachos) when I'd rather be spending that time talking about boys (and ordering good wine and fresh oysters).
It's as simple as that.
Because those darn childhood/parent issues have a habit of impeding the energetic flow you need to make your dreams come true. ie; They get in the way.
I'm not saying you need a cohesive nuclear family to make it work. But it sure makes it a lot easier if your mom (or any primary caregiver) loved and wanted you.
But mothers are people too. And not all of them are white-picket-fence/Martha-Stewart/stay-at-home-moms-or-career-women who fiercely love their children. I for one, have many faults, (not the least of which were my motherhood techniques), but mess with my offspring and I'll kill ya. And my kids know it. (At least they've got that).
Some people just never wanted to be mothers. It's not that they hate you (not really), it's just that without you around, they would have liked their life way better and they don't do much to hide that fact from you.
Sometimes, they even tell you.
Ouch.
So to make up for it you spend your life trying to be worthy enough for someone to love you but there's no end to it because you've only got one mom and if you miss the boat on that one... well... that can get you into a whole whack o' trouble because if you're starting at the bottom (ie; your mom doesn't want you) then you don't exactly have to reach very high to raise the bar now do you?
Get my drift?
But the good news is, there is an end to it.
At some point you have to accept, you have to forgive, and you have to find ways to love yourself the way your mother never could.
And the tricky part is, that validation can't come from anybody else but you. In a way, you have to be your own mother.
You have to do for you, what she couldn't.
It's a good thing I like beer n' nachos...
Hi, I'm over 30 with kids and I still have mom issues. I thought by this age I'll be over it and enjoy my life. But you're right it gets in the way of persuing your dreams and accomplishments or just enjoying your life. My mother used to hit me when she got angry. I remember once she threw a shoe at me when I was 9years old and I got a black eye from it. I had to go to a feild trip the next day that i was really excited about. she made me feel sad and ashamed. i did not hate her at the time. i felt i deserved it which is even more sad. Once she got angry she pulled my hair and kicked me in the stomach several times she never apologized. I dont remember what i did wrong but i'm sure i did not deserve that. She hit me until high school. I'm really a good kid. I cared so much about my younger sisters and was and still is a responsible person. I used to hug myself and kiss my own hand and go to sleep. As you said i was being my own mother. the issues and her behaviour never go away, she still hurts me verbally of course cuz she cant hit me anymore. the frustrating part is that she is a good person to other people. people love her. she is kind loving supportive religious. she prays a lot and says a lot of wise things. I want to love and like her like other people do. but i dont see anything to love in her. i dont hate her but i dont like her. and i live in frustration cuz she is a monster with me and an angel with the rest of the world. Oh God how i wish to get over this.
ReplyDeleteI am also going through similar issues about my mother. I'm no dr by any means, but the best conclusion I've come to is the simple one. I have chosen to not have my mother. We say we only have one, but what if that one does more emotional damage then if we didn't have one. I choose my friends, job, cars. It's my choice to have my family on my life as well. I also have children. After having them, my issues became much more complicated because I couldn't, and still can't imagine how my mother could have treated me the way she did, when I would never do that to my children. I would kill anyone who tried to make my children feel how she do easily makes me feel. When my first son was 3 I decided I have my own family and stopped having contact with her. I have never been happier or more confident before. At first I went through mixed emotions, but what is a mother really? Not what I had for sure! So I wasn't loosing a mother, I was leaving behind an emotional abusive angry person that would only hurt me.
DeleteYour story is more common than you think. And I've got news for you. You don't have to love her. You simply have to accept the fact that she is your mother and always will be - nothing will change that. But adopting a policy of being her adoring, obedient child is not only impossible, but ridiculous because she abused you. The good part is, once you give yourself permission (that you don't have to love or even like her) it starts to take the edge off. Protecting someone who is an asshole is exhausting. So talk about it. Tell it like it is... to friends, a therapist, to family members if you have to. But whatever you do, walk away from the lies. It will begin to remove your burden. One layer at a time. And hang in there. It does get better.
ReplyDeleteKeep me posted... Nicole A.