August 14-15 ENTRIES

August 13, 2009 - Excuses are so yesterday.

I am off my writing schedule because I've been too busy with…

Damn. I just busted myself making excuses.

Let's try that one more time shall we?

I am off my writing schedule. Period. I have no excuses since the time I waste on the Internet doing market research for a book THAT ISN’T EVEN FINISHED YET would be better spent finishing the book. Period. If this were the middle ages and I was an undisciplined monk I would be summarily whipped. Period. Or cracked over the back with a bamboo pole if I were a Buddhist monk in Tibet. Period. Are you enlightened now monky boy?

And if this were the Wild West, that message would be a telegraph. Stop.

I am blogged down with more excuses than a white collar criminal. This madness has to end.

However, in spite of this self-abnegation I am making strides. It’s just that when I’m steeped in the research end of it, it doesn’t feel like I’m working because I’m printing, reading and highlighting - not writing. It’s terribly deceiving and a largely inaccurate view of my actual progression. Then suddenly one day, BLAM! POW! Just like in the old Batman show - everything comes to a head and it’s DONE. And I say “Holy novel batman, how did that happen?”

Voila! (Or as my Anglo-Saxon friends say, Walla).

I just wish that day was tomorrow because I feel like a liar. Here I am, making a commitment to the universe - for all the world to witness (or at least whoever reads the blog) - and I can’t even get past my own set-point.

Frankly it’s kind of embarrassing. (At least it would be if I were prone to be embarrassed).

So… while I keep working… I will post PART II of Chapter 6 manyana.

August 15, 2009 - a little blurb, the day inbetween and CHAPTER 6

I realize I’m off my blog sched but does anyone really want to hear about what’s going on in my life every single day?
Suffice it to say since I have made you all my accountability partners in crime you will, (whether you like it or not) get an update on my progress.

So here’s that list for yesterday:

1. I finished one big section of chapter 1 (3 of 4 sections are now complete). All stats were derived by rummaging through a whack of ezines I receive regularly on the business end of Internet dating. Mucho interesante but overwhelming to sort through and pull together in some sort of tangible format. But it’s done. And you know what I learned? The Brits love Internet dating.

2. I went to the gym. Against my will. Every fibre of my being fought it. Yesterday, I admit I hated every second of it. And you know how everybody says, “yeah, but once you’re done you’ll feel great and be happy you did it”? That’s not true. I felt just as crappy afterwards as I did before. And I regret going. Okay, maybe that part isn’t true, but I was miserable on that treadmill and God help anyone who tried to make polite conversation. But that didn’t seem to be a problem as I was projecting evil and therefore had a clear space all around me the whole time I was there. It was perfect.

3. I picked up the little silver car I talked about way back in an earlier blog. I am now the proud owner of a less old, older vehicle. Instead of it being old as dirt, it’s as old as pebbles. I love it. And it has a cd player in it so now I can blast whatever music I want, devoid of radio commercials. But what I mostly feel is relief. Now I can take various jobs this fall without worrying about whether I will get there or not. When the guy I bought it from asked me:

“What are you looking for?”

I said, “I don’t care, as long as I can drive it to California and not worry about breaking down where some redneck can get to me.”

Without blinking, he said, “I’d say you have an 80% chance of making it with this little silver one.”

“I’ll take it.”

4. I took the night off writing. Not because I wanted to, but doing the tennis balls thing on my back took precedent. I write with a cynical edge when I have a headache. Not good. Health first.

And now, here’s the next part of Chapter 6 as promised....

PART II - WHAT THE EXPERTS HAVE TO SAY

Though you may think ignorance is bliss when it comes to love, trust me, knowledge is power. All of the extremely useful information for this chapter was derived from two social psych textbooks: David G. Myers & Steven J Spencer’s Social Psychology – with specific information derived from a chapter entitled Attraction and Intimacy: Liking and loving others, and An Introduction to Theories of Personality by B.R. Hergenhahn & Matthew H. Olson and its chapter on Sex Differences: Mating Strategies.

Disclaimer: please keep in mind that any correlation I have made between attraction in the ‘real world’ as described in the above texts and its application to cyberspace is strictly based on my own observations. Anyone who cares to call me incompetent regarding such observations is free to either challenge me to a duel or send comments void of profanity to cyberlovemuse@hotmail.com.

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CHEMISTRY
Our genes predispose us to like the opposite sex for certain attributes.

Men prefer rosy-cheeked fertile-looking women and women prefer men who can support and protect their future children.

While this sounds like a black and white proposition that eliminates virtually everyone who isn’t virile and rich or fertile and healthy, that isn’t what bothered me the most when I first read about it. What bothered me was that it completely ignored any romantic notion of true love because it’s simply based on what’s good for the continuation of our species.

How very scientific. Nothing could piss me off more.

But how this translates via Internet dating is this: our genes predispose us to be attracted to and contact someone if they appear to possess the above attributes. And that’s okay. As a matter of fact, it’s great. Remember, in this chapter we’re just trying to establish the things that will get us out of the gate faster and eliminate some faux-pas along the way to sustain that initial attraction long enough to go out on a first date. And social-psych research just gave us a clue on how to do that.

The above information is great fodder for setting up effective profiles (which we’ll get to later). And there is good news for those cursing me under their breath while wiping their eyes because I just mopped the floor of their fairytale castle using Darwin’s theory of social evolution.

After contact is initiated and a relationship has begun, beauty really does lie in the eyes of the beholder. In other words, the more a man loves his mate, the more he think she’s the cat’s meow and no one, not even Raquel Welch herself wearing that animal skin bikini in One Million Years B.C. will turn him on more. His attraction to others diminishes as the love for his gal grows. The same is true of women in love. The more she loves her guy, the more attractive he becomes and the less so, other men. Either love is blind or it has blinders on. But that usually occurs later, when you’ve both used the L word at least twice and meant it.

In the meantime, if you want to increase your chances of finding that special someone with whom there will be mutual attraction, concentrate on presenting the above attributes in your profile and then look in the mirror. Attraction also lies in your own reflection (or some facsimile thereof).

We are most attracted to those with whom we resonate physically or who have similar physical characteristics. And they will also be more comfortable being attracted to us. At least initially. This is known as the matching phenomenon – to be attracted to someone whose facial features are similar to ours is natural. It’s the feeling of familiarity that comforts us.

What does this mean? If you’re an average Joe (like most of us), unless you have oodles of security to offer a woman (and are willing to admit to yourself that you may be exchanging security for beauty - nothing wrong with a barter system according to our genetic predisposition), chances are you will achieve greater online success by addressing profiles of women who most closely reflect your level of attraction. Research shows that just as love sees loveliness, like attracts like.

I can practically feel you getting all offended. Don’t. Before you start thinking I’m yanking your chain or shooting down your dream of dating your polar opposite all I’m saying is like generally attracts like because it’s more comfortable with it. And if you still don’t believe me, check this out.

Did you know:
- More people named Virginia are likely to move to that state. And Virginia Beach has a “disproportionate number” of people who share that name.
- More people move to Georgia named Georgia than any other state. And people there are more likely to name their children George or Georgia!
- Philadelphia has 10 times as many people named Philip.
- Jacksonville has twice as many people named Jack.
- California has more people with last names that begin with Cali. In Toronto, it’s Tor.
- St. Louis has almost fifty percent more people named Louis than anywhere else in the U.S.
- If your last name is Rock, Park, Hill, Beach, or Lake you might just pick a city or street that has your name in it like Hillside, or Park City.

And that’s nothing. The same goes for careers:
- More women named Denise and men name Dennis are dentists as opposed to people with names that are just as common.
- More Georges and Geoffreys are geologist, geophysicists and geochemists.

And the kicker...
-More people whose last names start with B contributed to the Bush campaign over giving money to Gore. And G people gave to Gore.

It’s called ego-based preference.

I think this is great. As far as I’m concerned it means we all genuinely like ourselves deep down inside. Otherwise we would gravitate towards the opposite.

I’m not saying there aren’t tons of exceptions to the rule - my dentist’s name is Christine. But research shows that human beings are comfortable with and attuned to people with whom on some level, they have things in common (looks, similar hobbies, values, etc). But the most obvious, is looks.

I am the first to admit (and personally experienced) attraction to people for a plethora of reasons beyond the physical (none of them had anything remotely in common with each other physically). Nothing - and I mean nothing if you’d seen some of my choices - can be explained logically unless you want to explore the possibility of past life connections or personality clicks that feel so right nothing else matters, or even charm that makes one feel so warm and fuzzy inside we no longer notice the ginormous nose behind the poetry.

All I’m saying is if you are in the process of exploring your options online, you will meet with greater success (and more favourable responses to your emails) if you keep the above social observations in mind. And it has nothing to do with self-esteem or insecurity. Familiarity simply breeds comfort and therefore attraction.

Lesson Learned: When setting up a profile use the above research information to put your best foot forward. Women? Look healthy and write like you are - mentally and physically; Men? have your act together - be confident. And both parties? Look for complimentary physical ‘matches’. You may find your odds of finding someone compatible will increase.

And remember, it’s not set in stone. It’s just a start.

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Stay tuned for: BEYOND CHEMISTRY - coming soon in next week's blog

August 13, 2007 - Difficult Decisions and Taking Control

Yesterday I was faced with many difficult choices.

1. I could either eat perogies or choose a salad. I had both. But I did it using a logic so simple that it made my choice kosher even though it contained evil carbs.

I once read that if all you did was make sure 80% of your plate had high water content foods (or more), every meal would be nutritionally sound forever and you would never have to diet.

Just look at your plate and pretend it’s a clock. Then think ten o’clock. Your denser foods have to fit between those two hands. Simple.

Think about it. Tiny steak, big salad or... small piece of garlic bread, one spaghetti noodle, big salad or... two perogies, big salad! (And it doesn’t always have to be salad, I’m just not feeling creative).

And the reasoning behind it goes something like this:

If your body is 80% water, then the food you put in it should also be 80% water. Makes sense to me. But then again I’m not a nutritionist. I’m just lazy and this is easy to follow.

But no matter how many ways you try and apply this rule in such a way that you don’t break it but still cheat, you can’t (and trust me I’ve tried) because you have to use a regular sized plate.

And it works. So I’ll give it a shot because it takes virtually no planning and now I don’t have to figure out how to make a sandwich between two pieces of romaine lettuce. That always makes such a mess.

FYI - alcohol-based bevvies do NOT qualify as high-water content foods even if mixed with lemonade. Which brings me to my next dilemma...

2. I could either go to the gym or drink Mojitos with my stepmom. This was a much more difficult choice.

I knew I couldn’t do both because once I had a couple of Mojitos I wouldn’t feel like going the gym. I’d spend the afternoon reminiscing my favourite episodes of The Dog Whisperer, while dissecting his wisdom. Then I’d ponder how I could apply his methods in my future dealings with difficult human beings all the while wishing there was someone around I could practice on.

So I went to the gym.

In terms of difficulty (the decision, not the workout), I’d say it ranked as high as the concert at Woodstock. The workout itself? - about as hard as a soft-boiled egg.

But I was pleased.

I pranced around on that treadmill like I had more discipline than a Catholic priest at a camp for boys.

Wait, that’s not a good example.

Whatever.

The point is I made the right decision. And for the first time, I actually based the choice on whether it was going to move me forward or set me back in my goals.

It’s all about building self-esteem so you feel like you’ve earned the right to be whatever you want, no holds barred. The irony being of course, that no one has to earn that right, they are born with it.

But I’m not there yet. I still have a lot of work to do in that respect.

So when I falter, I can live with it but frankly, I just don’t want to anymore. And that, was a breakthrough.

As for that chapter I was suppose to finish...
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August 12, 2009 - A Chapter on Attraction

I will not post until chapter one is completely finished. Give me 24 hours.
In the meantime, here’s a little something from Chapter Six on ATTRACTION...

Chapter SIX

Attraction: How it works, what it means, and how to apply it to your profile

PART I - ATTRACTION

Ah yes. That touchy subject attraction.

In this day and age, we’ve all become a little defensive of our need to admonish the stereotype that men want women for their youth and beauty while women want men for their physical strength and finances (more so finances in this post-neanderthal era, right ladies?)

It’s the ‘doesn’t anyone love me for me?’ syndrome we all suffer from, deep down inside even if we never admit it to anyone else.

The good news is, yes someone does. There is someone out there for everyone. And just when you’re feeling down and you think the universe is making a cruel joke of your love life, something comes along to remind you that we are all capable of loving and being loved. At least that’s what happened to me.

Just today I was watching a television show where they interviewed Siamese twins who were joined at the head in a diagonal sort of way and each facing a different direction (if you can picture that). When one of them was asked if she’d ever been in love, not only did she say yes, she admitted to having had 4 full-blown relationships of which the last one was “very serious”. There was no doubt in my mind. The woman was confident. And on top of that, she was in her 40’s. (Talk about kicking a stereotype right in the ham n’ eggs).

I know what you’re thinking. But nobody married her did they? Maybe not yet, but I bet the ball’s in her court on that one. Just look at Siamese twins Eng and Chan. They married two sisters back in 1843 in spite of (literally) being joined at the hip. And between them, they fathered twenty-one children. So don’t tell me there is no one out there for you. (At least that’s what I told myself after watching this program).

But what initially attracts people to one another?

While there will always be exceptions to the rule right off the bat and dramatic changes in affection can occur once people get to know each other, (cut to someone’s soul and it’s a different ballgame), that is not the focus of this book. We’re just trying to get out of the gate.

Internet dating is that window of opportunity you have to capture someone’s attention in the hopes that they will be interested long enough to want to get to know you. And that’s a pretty small window. Your profile is the best, if not the only shot you have - at least online.

And from what I’ve read, the old adage is true:

Men are initially attracted to women for their looks (which translates as a ‘favorable assessment of their procreative potential’) and women are initially attracted to men for their pocketbook and guts. In other words, their ability (or potential ability) to support and protect a family).

And if you’re interested in finding a relationship, then your profile better be attuned to the unmitigated fact that in spite of our evolutionary gains, our first impressions are more closely related to the biological programming of our species than our modern minds would care to admit.

Sounds shallow doesn’t it? And whether it is or not is irrelevant because that’s just the way it is - at least at the beginning. Mate selection is based on evolutionary standards. In other words, our instincts tell us to choose whoever we think is most likely to propagate our species successfully. We are simply hard-wired that way.

Once you get past the gate and begin the process of really getting to know someone the criteria for what we find attractive changes in a multitude of ways. But our initial reaction to a person of the opposite gender is surprisingly primitive.

The focus of this chapter then, is to explain the phenomenon of attraction as seen by experts and to dispel the offensiveness of stereotypes we talk of as being so demeaning. It isn’t. Rather, we will use that information to get out of the gate by applying what we’ve learned to both profile design and the early stages of cyber courtship.

And as pedantic as it all sounds, it’s going to be a whole whack of fun.

Stay tuned for PART II - What the Experts Have to Say.

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August 11, 2009- The Nuts and Guts of Internet Dating

I’m up early - my energy was a bit low this morning and I was feeling kinda bummed out so I thought I’d hit the research section of the book since that doesn’t formally require my sense of humor. At least not until I pull it together.

The first chapter of the book is (logically) about stats and facts - or as I like to call it, the ‘Nuts and Guts’ of Internet dating.

I get this great e-zine with a gazillion social networking articles and from there I scour the references online for further information. Everybody needs a main portal or they’d go out of their minds surfing the net. So far so good. But I’m still bummed out.

I’m sipping my Bojemni Tea (did I tell you I quit coffee too? Ugh), and wondering again why I’m alive and what am I doing on this earth when I casually go to the Rubixx.com website (using one finger) to find out what’s the deal and if this site is any good.

Turns out Rubixx is a service that culls profiles from various dating websites into one central portal. And according to their tag line:

“Finding someone will be easier than finding a hooker in Thailand.”

BRILLIANT. I just found Dating Central.

So I plug in my information in a format that looks something like this:

I’m a (woman/man) __ (adjective)___ ___(noun)___

I want a (woman/man) ___(adjective)___ ___(noun)___

In ___(zip code)___ GO!

I click on what gender I am and what gender I want. They fill in the adjective and noun component. Simple.

And the descriptors change with each search.

Apparently, I’m a:
Fantastic Model, looking for a Horny Shizzle in Beverly Hills

(Beverly Hills was my idea).

Love it. My mood is lifting. So I do it again.

This time, I’m an:

Erotic Broad looking for a Far-Out Mate

And again.

Stunning Sex Machine looking for a Diesel Gentleman (okay, maybe they dropped the ball on that one)

And my personal fave:

Sparkling Bunny looking for a Scandalous Chap

Now that's me (although Sadistic Senorita came in a close second)

But I have a smile on my face. And I’m convinced I’ve found the Internet Dating jackpot.

There are apparently 30,096,407 profiles online. So far.

And when I plugged in big cities like L.A., Chicago and NY, they gave me almost 300 profiles to choose from.

Just like being at Sub-way.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I got a sandwich to make.
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August 10, 2009 - Carbs and Tortillas - A love story

My accountability partner did exactly what she was suppose to do yesterday in such circumstances - she let me off the hook.

Even though her main function is to be the bee in my bonnet, the sliver in my finger and the hot poker up my --- all she did was take one look at me, bleary eyed, suffused with guilt, and bloated from eating too many salty chips and fake chocolate pudding and say:

“You look like shit. Take the day off and for GOD’S SAKE WOMAN, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!”

Okay, that’s not exactly true.

What she really said was:
“WOW, you look great! Why don’t you take the day off anyway? You deserve it.”

But I prefer my interpretation because it helps to ease guilt.

Just goes to show you, you can do anything you want with the past because it doesn’t really exist except in your own mind. But I digress.

And so we begin again.

In spite of this setback, I did actually manage to get some work done before bed and set my writing goals for the following day. An extremely important habit to get into. And it actually works. That way when you get up in the morning, you’re ready to go without thinking about what you’re suppose to be doing. That’s another little tidbit from the book. (I think that was in Tim’s).

AND... Starting today, for exactly four days, I’m going carb-free. Wish me luck.

The first three days are going to be torture because when you eat carbs you crave them. Kinda like sex. If you don’t have it for long enough you don’t miss it but once you start up again you think to yourself ‘how did I ever live without this for SO LONG’?

But I always feel better when I limit my carb intake. My body is happier.

I should probably try becoming gluten-free but I still can’t figure out exactly what that means and it looks like WAY too much work. Gluten sounds like something that’s deposited in your butt cheeks. Isn’t that where your glutes are? And if you’re gluten-free, does that mean your butt starts to shrink? I wish.

And you’re wondering why just four days? This weekend we’re having a Mexican birthday party at my place. Mojitos, Margaritas, and enough authentic food to make a real Mexican jump the border and risk being deported just to attend.

Trust me, I’ll make up for it with the tortillas at that little gathering. And you can relax about the comment. My stepmom is Mexican. And I’ll put her up against anyone from Central America in a cook-off and win. I’ll even bet you the proceeds from my new book. You know, the one that isn’t finished yet. The one I should be working on right now.

Crap. Alright, I’ll make this short.

Low-carb is part of my new health regimen. And while I’ve been good about going to the gym (for two whole weeks now), I haven’t really cut back on carbs and portions all that well.

But one thing at a time. At this age, I realize that if I try and do too much all at once, I will feel overwhelmed and throw in the towel. If these changes I am incorporating are to be permanent, they must be done gradually.

Except for finishing the book...

So... whatever I blog next, may actually be a tidbit from the new book:

The Cyber Love Muse: A Common Sense Guide to Internet Dating.

Read it and weep (from laughter, not depression)... I hope. Okay, maybe it's more of a smirking book.

In any case, that’s all she wrote.... (for now)
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