The Art of a Strong Support System - PART II

Person 1 and person 2 are dating... the topic of asking for help comes up...

person 1. You can never rely on anyone but yourself.

person 2. That's not true, I rely on lots of people.

person 1. Well I don't. Everyone I've ever known has let me down. They're never there when you really need them.

person 2. That's not true, the people I know are always there when I need them. I can think of at least 5 people I could call at the drop of a hat if I was in trouble or just needed my closet cleaned out and couldn't bring myself to throw out my last boyfriend's sweatshirt or something.

person 1. (sarcastically) Nice.

person 2. You know what I mean. That doesn't mean I take advantage of it. I don't call on them for the little things I can take care of myself both emotionally or otherwise, but when I need a hand or I'm really choked about something, I know I can pick up the phone.

person 1. Well, you're lucky then.

person 2. I am, but I don't think it's luck so much as learning how to ask for help.

person 1. I'll never do that. And I mean never. I could be dying and I wouldn't ask for help.

person 2. I used to be like you. It's a retarded way to live, going through life alone, playing the martyr... it's so Joan of Arc.

person 1. Thanks.

person 2. You know what I mean. Why do you think we're all here on this planet together? So we can suffer alone? NO! so we can commiserate and ease each other's burden!

person 1. (Getting choked. He fails to see the humor in most anything I say.)

person 2. Okay, so you don't know anyone you can call on for help. Fair enough. Your support systems suck and mine don't. But I'm here. You can always call me up and say, "hey, I've had a crappy day. Can I come over?" or "I really need some help cleaning out the garage".

person 1. I would never do that.

person 2. (in disbelief) Get outta here.

person 1. (silence)

person 2. Seriously?

person 1. Yeah. Seriously.

person 2. (getting pissed off) Then why are you in a relationship?

person 1 (now totally ticked off). Oh, so NOW you're questioning the RELATIONSHIP???

person 2. Oh geez. That's not what I'm saying...

In retrospect, that's probably just what I was saying.

You can see where this is going.

Person 1 was fixated on a false generalization: ALL PEOPLE ARE UNRELIABLE and the only person you can count on is yourself. NO EXCEPTIONS.

Gee thanks.

The entire trust issue was at stake at a fundamental level so deep it wasn't even about the relationship anymore. It was about humanity in general.

As you can probably predict, this relationship fell apart shortly thereafter (and for a myriad of reasons not directly related to this particular conversation), but this conversation was in itself a huge red flag.

Person 1 was convinced that he was a 'giver' in this life. That was his job. He wasn't particularly crazy about it as there was a constant exhaustion in his good deeds to help others but he labelled himself as a giver nevertheless.

Like he had no choice.

If I said to him, "You are such a good father to your kids. They're lucky to have you", the response was, "I don't know any other way to be".

Sniff sniff.

How about because you WANT to be, not because you're stuck in a role you think God meant for you.

(That's not a very nice God if that's the case).

And what about free will? Authenticity? Being true to yourself?

In all fairness, it's easier said than done when you've been 'responsible' all your life and think the obligations that come with that role are set in stone and life has sucked you dry because you "give, give give" and nothing comes back your way.

Or does it not come back your way because you give, give, give and never ASK for it in return?

It's a slippery slope.

And if you attach manifesting principles to this you're treading in dangerous waters.

If you become completely self-reliant (to the point of obsessiveness) do you then get exactly what you project? Nobody to help you because you've given the universe the message that you will NEVER need it?

And then you attract people and experiences that verify your belief system over and over again until you've created the world you believe exists around you?

Shiza!

All I know is in order for energy to flow, it has to go both ways. If it doesn't, it WILL get stuck somewhere along the circuit.

It has to FLOW.

And for it to flow, you need to surround yourself with a few (less than a handful - family, friends, or preferrably both) that you can count on as much as they can count on you.

If you've never asked for help, the hardest part is putting your ego aside to ask for it when you need it and not giving up when one person can't fulfill that need.

You're bound to be disappointed sometimes. It doesn't mean it's OVER. Or we're all self-absorbed and selfish.

Yes, people are busy with their own lives, but one of those handful of people will come to your aid when you really need it.

That's why you need more than one person in your corner.

Don't get me wrong - givers are terrific people with huge hearts. He was one of them. And so was I. I know, I was one of them in every relationship, but too much of anything is never a good thing.

Too much 'giving' builds resentment (sometimes subtly and insidiously so) and is draining.

For life to work, you have to be both a giver and a taker or better yet - to learn how to both give and to receive)....

To lean more heavily on one side or the other spells imbalance and disaster in any aspect of your life.

Next - the necessity of having friends in any relationship

The Art of the getting your funny back and the importance of an ESN - Emotional Support Network (Part I)

Getting your funny back is kinda like getting your body back after you've had one too many Big Macs during those four years you hit fast food joints while going through college 'cause you were too busy to bother with real food.

We all do it. And it's a forgiveable offense.

But at some point you have to break the habit. And for that, sometimes you need a personal trainer.

That also goes for getting your funny back.

Losing your funny is when you've been out of the loop for a while because you've been busy indulging in a new relationship that is about as good for you as 3 supersize meals a day.

It doesn't feel that bad at first, but by the end, a heart doctor comes along and tells you if you don't get out of the cycle, you're going to die. Not good.

(And if you've seen Supersize Me, you know what I'm talking about).

In this case, before you know it, 28 odds pounds of emotional baggage sneaks up on you, weighing you down with more self-doubt than a hooker who joins a nunnery.

Think of a personal trainer - most health books recommend one if you're serious about getting fit and are tired of giving yourself a way out of those 'extra hard' workouts. You know, the ones that actually propel you to a new level.

PT's won't let you get away with stuff that you let yourself get away with all the time. It's not that you don't know better.

You do. I do. We all do.

But nobody wants to feel the pain that goes with producing micro-tears that builds up more of what you need. So we don't do it. But we'll do it for the expert that bosses us around in the gym.

Go figure.

I find it interesting that most of us won't let ourselves feel pain in the gym but we have no trouble being in relationships that cause insidious micro-tears in our soul.

But never mind that.

The bottom line is, everyone needs support systems. I don't care how independent you claim to be or think you are.

No one can live without some type of emotional support network. At least not well.

And getting back to what makes you YOU after a relationship has hit the dirt, requires a good, unconditional support network.

All you have to do, is pick up the phone. Or text. Or facebook. Or tweet.

That's right. It's as easy as calling on the peeps you haven't seen in God-knows-how-long because you've been too busy confusing jabs with teasing, criticisms with friendly advice and control for love.

For some people that's harder than getting tickets for the Superbowl.

All that matters is once you recognize the obvious and give yourself a few V8 slaps in the head, you get back to your old self.

next - what a strong support system looks like

The Art of Knowing When to Refuel - PART IV - Chasing the eagle

So there I was, gingerly grabbing what looked like an old kayak out from under a pine tree, paranoid about accidentally treading on any poison ivy leaves hiding beneath dead brush or hiding amid a kayak full of spider webs and dust.

I hate poison ivy. What's more, it hates me.

When I get even the tiniest patch it spreads like wildfire on my skin, popping up anywhere it senses an achilles heel of weakness on my skin. And I have no self-control when it comes to scratching, scars be damned. I shouldn't complain though. My son gets it worse than I do.

When he was twelve, his teacher got a brainchild to take students outside to pick leaves in the bush behind the school and he got poison ivy so bad, it deformed his skin (temporarily). There was nowhere on his body it didn't spread to - except you know... there.

The only way to describe his condition to others was to refer to him as the Elephant Man after the disease by the same name, made famous by John Merrick and forever represented in a 1980 movie by David Lynch.

It was heartbreaking and lasted three full weeks. Thankfully it didn't leave any scars. At least not visibile ones...

Mine wasn't that bad. Nevertheless, I didn't want those little bastard leaves anywhere near me.

So, it took me the better part of an hour to determine which of the two overturned kayaks on the property held the least likelihood of harboring poison ivy and went after that one.

Once I dragged it to the dock and scared away all the spiders and bugs with a broom, I dropped it in the water, climbed in carefully in and headed out onto the lake without a life jacket.

Not too bright as I hadn't told a soul what I was doing or where I was going but then again, the lake was a manageable size and I figured if I tipped over, I could always kick my way back to shore, dragging the kayak behind me.

Now it was just me, the water, and GOD.

Time for a little spiritual test.

Have you ever wanted a sign that God was listening? That he was watching all of your struggles with interest and concern and that he was waiting until the timing was just right before he intervened with your greatest good in mind?

Okay. Maybe not.

How about that's he just around?

Somewhere.

Anywhere.

Doing... something.

Preferrably something for someone's greater good.

Anybody's.

Yeah, 'cause that's where I was when it came to God. It's not that I didn't think he was around. I just figured I hadn't warranted his attention yet. I simply thought He had better things to attend to besides me.

So I put it to Him...

As I glided along I said, "Okay, if you really are around, in this sacred place - supposedly - (no offence or anything, but you did make us creatures who want proof) - give me a real sign. I know I know. You sent me a hawk in the yard - that was cool, thanks for that - then that hummingbird - which was truly beautiful, then that annoying little butterfly trying to capture my attention by hanging around my nose but you know, God, what I really want is to see an E ----"

and suddenly, there it was...

An American Bald Eagle.

I glided beneath it, staring up at it, stunned at how incredibly majestic it was. To witness its presence in person, in the wild was unspeakably humbling... I blubbered the rest of my sentence ...see an Eagle... cuz then... I'll.... wow.... holy crap...

You're listening.

There he was sitting motionless atop a pine tree that was growing through the cracks of the Canadian Shield.

Holy shit. You're really listening.

For the first time in a long time, there was no doubt in my mind.

I must have circled beneath that eagle for an hour, trying to absorb the significance of my encounter, and the spiritual message it held for me.

I was eagle obsessed.

I only moved on when for a brief moment, it acknowledged my annoying presence by tilting its head down just enough to make eye contact. At that point, I only hoped I didn't look like dinner as I had no intention of getting close and personal with those talons or that beak, no matter how gorgeous he was.

The rest of my day was spent in contemplation of that eagle encounter. Later on in the afternoon, my AP and I each took a kayak and made our way down the lake. My Bald eagle was still there. Motionless.

For now, I felt he was mine in some sort of cosmic way.

Once again, I circled beneath - this time, I waved at him. He looked down at me, adjusted his wing and gave me the illusion that he had just. waved. back.

I KID YOU NOT.

The next day was even more holy.

I never saw my eagle again, but my time at Still Rock can only be described as transformational.

Sometimes, you need a sacred space in which to see the world as it really is, outside of this paradigm we know as our day to day life.

Sometimes, you need friends who are on the path, that can help you transform your world from one of limited possibilities to endless ones.

Sometimes, even just a couple of days - well spent with conscious awareness - can have the most profound effect on someone...if they are open and choose to embrace a new way of being.

I returned home to the chaos that was my life but I felt emotionally strong, capable of handling anything with the grace of someone who has been blessed and touched by spirit and offered a new perspective, even a new beginning...

Life would never be the same...

Tha Art of knowing when to refuel - PART III - chasing the eagle

Manny.

That had become my nickname. "Manny" was short for manic behaviour. I was hyper beyond in an environment that should have turned me into a lazy-boy chair but instead turned me into a human spinning top.

I was the Energizer Bunny times ten.

You see, Still Rock was not just any old cabin in the woods whose grounds were teeming with untold flowers and colorful mulch, swing chairs and hammocks.

Still Rock is a spiritual retreat.

For real.

(Given my energetic reaction, it should have been called "Rolling Stone" but then again, these things affect everyone differently).

And Still Rock carries within its parameters an energy vortex that is conducive to experiencing greater shifts in self-awareness than if you were say, at the corner of Portage and Main in downtown Winnipeg.

Of course, you have to want it too.

But that is, fundamentally, the reason for its existence and the reason I went. This place helps people shift into a newer, better version of themselves on the path to greater meaning and self-awareness in their lives.

And it's perfect.

Not only is it divinely peaceful, but it holds a spiritual energy where people gather to process and transform their lives to the next level on a path of personal and spiritual evolution. With that kind of continual lingering energy, it's impossible not to transform.

Think about it for a minute...

There's a reason we are more comfortable in some environments than others. That's why we gravitate towards some places when we need a 'boost' and stay the hell away from others when we are feeling emotionally drained or weak.

Sometimes it's the energy of the people in that area and sometimes it's the place itself that holds a certain magnetic field, ley line, sacred energy, hallowed ground, or strong vibration that has a certain effect on those who visit.

It's like being in a church.

Even if you aren't religious, a place like Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris can have a profoundly pious effect on even the most sacriligious of characters. Sure, it might be the deliberate architecture designed to draw your eye upward that reminds you how small you really are in the cosmos, but it's more than that.

I think it's also a quality of energy based on the millions of people who have passed through it and silently uttered their heart-felt prayers. In my opinion, that intent lingers and we, who enter its sacred doors, feel the remnants of that powerful collective energy.

But whatever it is, in times of stress we are drawn to certain areas and tend to steer clear of others. Why? Because intuitively we KNOW. In that way we're pretty damn smart as human beings even if we don't admit it most of the time or call it hogwash to our friends (but secretly admit it when we're hovering between theta and delta as we slip into an unconscious sleep).

But we KNOW what's good for us. And WHERE. It's too bad most of us don't do anything about it. Or when we do, it's not frequent enough.

And although some people may argue that any cabin has a positive effect because it's away from the city and surrounded by nature, I beg to differ. I've been to some and thought, "I'd rather be home and back in my own space."

If you still don't get what I'm talking about, just google 'what is an energy vortex' and watch what happens. Probably the most famous area with a plenitude of vorteces would be in Sedona. People come from all over the world to experience its effects.

Sedona's vorteces are simply known as 'The world's most popular invisible tourist attraction'.

So given that I knew what I needed, and heard what Still Rock was all about, I made a decision...

I was going to Still Rock to transform.

What exactly, I didn't know. But I knew something was going to happen.

And what better way to start that journey than glide through still waters on a kayak... chasing eagles....

The Art of knowing when to refuel - PART II - chasing the eagle

Just to recap, a few days before my son moved to Toronto, I buggered off.

It was only for two days. But I had been functioning under pressure for so long that I knew if I didn't slow down I was going to pop a blood vessel somewhere vital to my well-being and the fluid that leaked out might put me to sleep forever.

So I went from survival mode to self-preservation mode.

They might sound the same, but they're radically different. Survival involves other people and a sort of whole group mentality. You learn to amalgamate, function, co-exist, and micro-manage in a utilitarian sort of way, ie; for the good of the whole.

That's one kind. (Sometimes, you learn to survive IN SPITE of the whole. That's not so fun).

Self-preservation on the other hand, is a nice way of saying, 'Screw everyone. The buck stops here. If I don't do what's best for me RIGHT NOW I'll be about as useful as a kitchen sponge that's seen better days.

Sure I appeared calm on the outside - an easy enough state to achieve having existed in survival mode for years - but the truth of the matter was, somewhere in my head there was an 'on' button that for the life of me, I couldn't turn off.

I mean, even when there was no longer any reason to worry or boss everyone around, I was still doing it. It was time to check out of the concrete jungle so I could be reminded there was a world outside of my apartment window and family dynamics.

So I went to a friend's friend's cabin on Grassy Lake. It's a spiritual retreat - only they were on vacation and my AP (accountability partner) was cabin-sitting so I could pretend it was ALL MINE.

That part was easy because relations between my AP and I are so easy that I can do whatever I want - disappear for hours or hang around - and she wouldn't care. Now that's my definition of a good relationship.

No pressure, no guilt, no obligation. Just be yourself.

Unfortunately, the hard part was learning how to 'just be' fast enough to make maximum use of the two days I had to completely unwind.

Just look at that ridiculous sentence. It even sounds like an oxymoron.

But with no neighbors across the lake, no visible neighbors to either side and a landscaped garden filled with an obscene number of flowers, swinging benches, loungers, hammocks and private niches for contemplation, I was good as gold.

I figured it would take me all of five minutes to unwind until I walked in the cabin door and saw the calm glow emanating from my AP and her friend from Florida. They had been there for only two days.

If I didn't know them, I would have thought they were actors being paid to be part of the ambience and my experience that's how beatific they were.

This was better than reality TV.

Between their genuinely warm and charming attitudes and those cotton and silk pyjamas they were both wearing, they were positively angelic.

And there I was, with camouflage shorts, a wife-beater T, and a headband.

"Nicole, this is Marnie"

She embraced me as only an angelic being could and asked me if I would like some fresh fruit salad she was about to make.

"Sure! That would be AWESOME. I'm STARVING!"

"Well let me make you breakfast then too" she said softly, tucking her wings in behind her back, "Do you want one egg or two?"

"Uh, one I guess. Doesn't matter really. Someone else is making me breakfast! And you don't even KNOW me! How cool is that? HOW LUCKY AM I?! So, how long you been out here?"

She smiled kindly and patiently at my manic behaviour and I swear I saw a twinkling light shine off her front teeth as she did.

"Two days".

"Jesus, I hope I look as good as you the day after tomorrow"

She smiled again and went about making ME breakfast.

I went outside to gather in the sights and sounds of paradise and find 'just the right spot' to force myself to enjoy nature and after going around in circles like a chicken with an equilibrium problem, I finally settled on a swinging chair that was in the garden but still had a view of the lake.

As I waited for breakfast to arrive I saw a hawk swoop through the yard just in front of me. It was so close I could feel the draft it left in its wake.

Then I saw a hummingbird hover with inconceivable talent near its flower of choice. It was so close, I could see its irridescent green feathers.

Not bad for the first five minutes of my retreat into the Divine.

That's when my fruit salad arrived, complete with shredded coconut, mango and blueberries.

It was the BEST FRUIT SALAD I HAVE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE.

For that entire day, I left my AP and Marnie to visit with one another elsewhere while I re-acquainted myself with... me.

I chose the book I would read over the next two days, found a hammock overlooking the lake, a few pillows and chilled. As I lay there swinging gently in the perfect breeze with the perfect combination of sunshine and clouds making the leaves in the trees above me dance on the page of my book, a butterfly decided to visit.

She was flapping her little wings and dancing in that erratic way they do as she went around and around my nose as if to say;

Why are you reading when nature is all around you? Can you see me NOW?

And if I didn't get it yet, I was about to.

Cuz it was time to take the kayak out! Oh yeah babi. That's what I'm talking about. Adventure city.

I'd never been on a kayak before. But as I told my AP later:

There's only one paddle, how hard could it be?

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Next: Part II of chasing the eagle