I AM NOT A GIANT NIPPLE and other mantras to get you through the holidays

I love this time of year.

Once I learn how to distinguish my true feelings from everyone else's panic, frustration, guilt, misguided sense of obligation and debt-conscious gift-giving, I'm downright giddy.

Once everyone sits down and finally eats, then plays cards (or Wii), it's actually fun. (I can't wait to kick some kanassta ASS again this year). But the build up (or as I like to call it, the 'guilt-up') is not.

I don't know what's worse...

Having the money to do Xmas like you've actually got the income to pay off your credit card bill in less than a year (only to do it all over again), or not having any and wishing you could give the people you love everything because they deserve it?

hmmm.

But I'm a practical person. And a dreamer.

I'll take option two over the process of gift-giving then resenting your payments. They're just gonna have to live with that bubble bath package from dollarama.

Besides, once this six month experiment goes the way I want, I'll be paying CASH ONLY for my purchases thank-you-very-much.

In the meantime, I will manage beautifully.

And I am not - I repeat NOT - letting the stresses or "Woe is me and all the work I have to do to get ready for Christmas" brigade ruin my fun and frolic this holiday season.

And FYI, I'm not talking about my family (though I've heard bah humbug grumblings ripple through the ranks of my hard-core sons and their look-how-they-suck-us-in-those-commericalized-economy-driven-bastards attitudes).

Thank God they have Xmas Nazi girlfriends to balance them out.

But I've heard stories...

The kind that ripple through the grapevine of love and work and family and extended family and neighbors and buildings and come out of the mouths of the person standing next to you in line at Walmart confiding to their best friend about how much they secretly 'hate Christmas' and all the sordid details recounting exactly why.

It's the stress.

Not just the gift-giving part, but who's house you have to go to and when, and who really wants you there and if you don't drop by, you'll get an icy stare so deadly the next time you go over, you'll believe what quantum physics says about thoughts being real because you'll break out into a rash right then and there.

Gift-giving is one type of stress. The other, is pleasing EVERYONE.

So, in the true spirit of someone who is drinking wine at 3 pm on a Tuesday for no reason at all, (except that she can), here are a few lines you can use on your family and friends when their guilt or expectations exceed your ability to tolerate your very existence and find you begging for an end to the holidays (and wishing for a New Year's party so raucous that you will forget what transpired in the weeks before).

Here goes nothin'...

1. For the people who tell you all their family troubles and about all the unwanted but obligatory invitees they must tolerate during dinner just because it's xmas:

I AM NOT A GIANT NIPPLE. STOP SUCKIN THE LIFE OUT OF ME.

2. For family who wants you there not one, not two, but THREE days in a row:

"I AM NOT COMING TO YOUR HOUSE THREE DAYS IN A ROW. Was Mary in labor for 3 days? I THINK NOT. Otherwise Jesus's birthday would be on THE 24TH, THE 25TH AND BOXING DAY. AND IT ISN'T! Capice?"

3. For people who actually don't like their gift, tell you and want to know if you have a 'gift receipt':

No. But don't worry about it - I LOVE what I got you! while you rip it out of their hands with a big smile on your face.

4. For people who guilt you because you weren't around to 'decorate the tree':

So undecorate it. I'll do it. Just let me get grab a bottle of Jaegermeister from the liquor store first. brb. And NEVER RETURN.

5. For people who complain about all the cooking they have to do and how tired they will be:

Don't say anything. Just start making martinis, crank up some spicy dance music and get them roaring drunk. By the time dinner's over they'll be passed out from the tryptophan in the turkey and won't remember a damn thing.

6. For people who can't have Xmas without their cinnamon buns (because apparently they there IS no Xmas without cinnamon buns")

Get some gum. Or Cinnamon schnapps. That's WAY better than sticky buns. (And probably more calories - trust me, I know).

-----

and that's just for starters...

over the next few days, don't worry... I'll give you so much ammo to defend yourself over the holidays, you'll be dying to mix it up with anyone and everyone! :)

CHEERS!

I know I know... and yet... ah ye of little faith

I get it. At least in theory.

I get what Canfield says about being constructive with your plans, being well-rounded and hitting all the areas of your life with the same dedication that you would a new 'crush'.

I get what Tim Ferriss says in the '4 hour workweek' about disciplining yourself out of an unproductive information diet and giving it your all.

I understand the manifesting principles and I wholeheartedly buy into the notion that as soon as we take full responsibility for our actions, embrace a spirit of all-encompassing love and compassion that things will flow our way.

Oh yeah...

I hear all the talk inside my own head (and my higher self) - do this, do that, think this way, walk that way... I KNOW THE RULES like the back of my hand...

Nobody knows them better.

And what's more, I am CONSCIOUSLY aware of all that I do, even when it's wrong, every moment of every day.

and yet, moving through this quagmire of physical mass using the principles I've learned is more difficult to transcend than I care to admit.

Mostly, I have a mistrust about the process itself.

I WANT TO SEE it in action. I WANT TO KNOW without a shadow of a doubt.

And like a typical Westerner, Faith is just another popular girl's name, like Hope or Charity.

And although I've come a long way, I still get stuck in some old patterns.

If I sweat over my work or my writing, I think I'm getting something done.

If I worry, I know what I'm worrying over must be TERRIBLY important. And if it gives me a headache, well then... look at how HARD I must be working.

But worrying is never terribly important because it accomplishes nothing. As a matter of fact, it is a hindrance.

I am ridiculous.

Most of us are... with our own self-subscribed set of behaviors that don't mean anything, don't do us any good, and aren't logical in the least.

Yet we are attached to them like dogs in heat.

Have you ever seen dogs copulate? They're stuck together - sometimes for hours (even beyond impregnation) - just so nature can ensure propagation of their species.

That's what we're like with our old, outdated modes of worry, concerns over nothing, and habits of stress that give us heart attacks, migraines and an assortment of other ailments that are, according to modern medicine, responsible for 80% of the deaths and diseases in the western world.

And those of us who know better, do it anyway.

But that's not the way it works.

I bet even Joan of Arc had her doubts like the rest of us.

"Did I hear a voice? Did God really just tell me to get an army together and lead the way wearing chain mail and brandishing a sword?

And what's with this whole cutting my hair business? Is he out of his frakkin' mind? I'm suppose to be looking for a husband, not an army.

Sheesh.... (pause)...

I'm hearing voices. Am I nuts? If I tell anyone, they're going to lock me up...

(contemplation)...

Alright, fuck. I'll do it. But it's not because I want to, but from everything I've read the wrath of God would suck ass worse than being burned at the stake.

I hate this lesser of two evils bullshit."

But Joan of Arc, did it anyway. Even though you know she had some serious doubt-ridden dialogue in her head.

And that's what it's all about.

Because what invariably happens is that after the fact, (you know, whatever little things we were sweating over passes and we realized we panicked and worried for nothing), we tell ourselves, next time, I'll remember this. Because I know better.

So I'm going to try harder (or maybe less hard) to do things right. And instead of worrying so much, I'm going to get to that point that exists after the fact, and transplant it to the 'before' place so I can avoid the waste of time better known as worry.

It's only a mental addiction... how hard could it be?

Falling off the blog wagon and getting back on: Things that really matter

I fell off the blog wagon.

I've had an interesting, reaffirming, disaffirming, confusing, pondersome (is that even a word?), and altogether smorgasbord-laden field of experiences, feelings and reactions over the last couple of weeks over a number of things - some silly, some not so much and others, warranted.

Frankly, it's been difficult to blog.

Sometimes I shudder at my own weakness. (Being human has that effect on me).

Then to make matters worse, I watched Julie & Julia last night and shrank at my own inadequacies, let alone lack of discipline.

For those unfamiliar with the tale, it's about a writer who works full-time at a shitty job, blogs EVERY DAY for a year AND ON TOP OF IT prepares not 365, but 524 of Julia Child's impossible French dishes as part of the process.

And she doesn't miss a single day.

Not one.

(Bah humbug)

I on the other hand, have been 'waiting' for a slower schedule... The Xmas holidays will bring a reprieve of sorts from calls that come in at 6 a.m. for subbing jobs, along with other obligations that make time management an obsolete term (or perhaps one used by those with better skills at managing life).

"But screw those people. I'm not superhuman. I just want my mornings back" she says with upturned nose and the tone of a spoiled child.

(Every writer has a stubborn streak).

For me, mornings are creative while late night writing frenzies embraced by college students as the norm are rather...moronic.

I can think of better things to do at 2 a.m. (Not that I've had the opportunity).

"I should be more flexible than this"! she pretends to say with disdain at herself while secretly feeling justified given the suffering she thinks she has endured in life.

(Sigh). So. This poses a problem as the work that pays my bills has me heading out the door by 8 am.

But I'm not budging either as this self-imposed 'requirement' provides me with a great excuse not to get more writing done.

Ah yes, I know myself well.

I wrote most of my book during the mornings over the summer. My schedule was divine.

I'd have some tea, write a little, watch Cesar Millan and then write some more. Then go out for a brisk walk, weather permitting. Maybe lunch with a friend.

My apartment faces East so the sun would invariably make its way warmly into my living space like a welcome guest whose arrival you anticipate and who's departure you want to delay.

And I loved that schedule goddammit...!

But that's not how it works... and while i've been 'waiting' for things to return to that better schedule, I've had some wake-up calls.

You could say life has taken an interest in me, rather than the other way around.

Just when I think I'm in control again,with my ne'er do well, laissez-faire, flippant, rebel-without-a-cause attitude, I'm reminded of who's really in charge.

The Universe, God, our Higher Selves, Purpose, Destiny... call it what you will...

We do nothing, and I mean, NOTHING without a hand that guides us - IF, we choose to see it that way.

And it all happened because I had become impatient. I was in a hurry because the world owed me.

I want things to happen NOW. I figure after all this time, I've earned it. But nobody's earned it because nobody owes you anything.

It'll happen when it happens.

As it stands, my book won't be sent to publishers until January for consideration because the timing is better.

As it stands, I'll change careers only when the transition is complete.

As it stands, I'll meet the right man (maybe) at the right time (maybe - the jury's out on that one), when I'm good and ready. And not a moment sooner.

In the meantime... what happens?

I used to think the time inbetween was waiting... but it isn't.

All the time in between is life happening now. And it's the only thing that counts.

Life still happens while we're waiting for something to come our way.

While we wait for 'the big stuff' (our payday, our comeuppance) sometimes what we are really doing is ignoring the things we have and take for granted.

And what better time to be reminded than the holidays?

And if we're lucky, in those moments of 'life happening', we are reminded that we already have what we are looking for in messages of blessings intended as wake-up calls from the universe.

We get sick. We appreciate our health.

Our car breaks down. We appreciate those that come to our rescue.

I meet someone I think might be 'the one', (who as it turns out doesn't get me at all) and I find myself appreciating those who do, even more.

I worry to no end about car repairs, bills, doing errands on time, writing the blog, working on a website, worrying about the boys, and will I have enough to go around for Xmas...?

And then...

I find out that a lovely man named George from my building, suddenly died of a massive heart attack at work. He was 46. That happened yesterday.

Suddenly, all those worries, don't seem so big.

And the fact that I didn't blog for a week?

I can live with that.

So... over the holidays, I will attempt to blog every day with a small, new lesson learned, some from the past few weeks, and others I have only begun to digest...

Please bear with me...

The Lost Art of the Conversation - sharing thoughts, opinions, and feelings - Part I

Most people think a conversation is two people talking (and that includes about nothing in particular).

(Let me tell you what I heard on the weather station and you can respond with a prediction from the Farmer's Almanac). eg)...

me: It was thirty below today! -34 with the windchill.

you: I hear it's going to be a long, cold winter that's going to last for the rest of our lives.

me: So much for global warming.

you: That's what I say!

If I were to ask most people to define a conversation, they'd probably go with something that would match the above example.

But it's not. Not really... or if it is, it's only partially true.

con·ver·sa·tion (kŏn'vər-sā'shən)n.

1. a) The spoken exchange of thoughts, opinions, and feelings; talk.

b) An instance of this: held a long conversation on the subject.

2. An informal discussion of a matter by representatives of governments, institutions, or organizations.

For our purposes we're going to ignore definition 2, as it pertains to governments (who rarely have any real conversations but rather spend an inordinate amount of time as talking heads). 'nuf said.

Conversation is also defined in the dictionary as an 'intimate acquaintance'.

Ah, now we're getting somewhere.

So the purpose of conversation is to use language to exchange (ie; with others), information, our thoughts, opinions and feelings in order to become more intimately acquainted with them.

And in the process, ourselves.

Because really, it's all about us.

We are the center of our own universe. And the only way we can figure out who we are, what our belief systems are, where we stand, where we went wrong, and how to grow, is if we give it up by sharing our opinions, (no matter how intimidating or scary it may be), with another human being who then acts as our mirror.

That's some scary shit.

You wouldn't think so, but the next time you talk to someone who looks like they have all their you-know-what together, try asking them a question that doesn't relate to their work, or the weather, or their portfolio, or even their families and watch for that deer-in-headlights look that will tell you if they have spent any time whatsoever on trying to figure out who they are and what their place is in this universe.

You might not like what you hear.

Then again, you might be pleasantly surprised.

I once asked a senator, (who was divorced) who it was that gave her the moral support she needed to pursue this career of hers and her upcoming campaign.

For a moment she stood there stunned at what I could only assume was her shock at the impertinence of the question. And yet, it was very human and I thought, legitimate.

And she was after all, human.

The thing is, I wanted to know.

I mean, I REALLY wanted to know.

I wanted to know if there was some secret superhuman gene you had to have to get through something with your marbles intact when there was no one home to listen to you at the end of the day or share your burden.

I was in the process of losing my mind, in the middle of first year law school, broke, far away from home, with kids who needed me but who I couldn't be there for.

I felt the deadly combination of guilt, dwindling emotional resources, and poverty - which amounted to overwhelming stress.

On top of it, I was lonely.

Here was a woman on the verge of making it (again). And yet she was going it alone. I didn't care if I made her uncomfortable with my question. I wanted to know. And I wasn't going to let up.

"No really. I want to know. You can't take on the task you're taking on without having someone there who's got your back."

"I don't have anybody." She replied, her guard suddenly down because I actually wanted to know something about her as opposed to just her political platform.

She was after all, human.

"Then how do you do it?"

She smiled and paused again for a moment.

"I've got a good person working in my office. That, and a little wine at the end of the day."

I nodded like I knew she was bullshitting. That wasn't enough and she knew it. There was no balance in her life.

"It's not easy." She admitted, relieved somehow that she was having a real conversation for once that had nothing to do with her political agenda.

"I know" I replied, "You might have to do something about that."

She smiled.

"How long until you graduate"?

"Two more years" I said.

"You should stay in touch."

I had no intention of getting involved in any sort of political arena. I didn't want anything except to know what made her tick because I thought it would help me.

But that silly little conversation that arose out of my desperation to understand how to better deal with my own predicament, for just a moment, separated the wheat from the chaff and left an indelible impression on the both of us.

For a brief moment, we were not separated by some socially imposed hierarchy, or achievements (or lack thereof).

For a brief moment, (for that's all it was), the gap between us disappeared and we both stood there with a knowing that there was far more to life, than this collective paradigm.

I realized that I wasn't alone in my suffering and she realized that neither was she.

The result?

Calm.

A calm settled over both of us.

Long enough to take a deep breath before falling back into our respective roles once again.

Long enough to take a break from the stress by connecting with someone who just for a moment, 'got' what was important.

And in that moment, a connection was made.

Never underestimate the importance of language and conversation.

Next - relating to a prospective mate: the lost art of the conversation.

It's all about taking responsibility - from cycles to spirals

Some of you may be wondering why I've taken the liberty of exploring different aspects of life and going off on tangents - most recently the nature of love - when this blog is suppose to be about forging forward in an experiment to turn my life around 180 degrees and claiming 'authorship' as the nucleus of that quest.

Here's why...

Nothing we do in life can be extricated from anything else. And if you try to, you will surely suffer the consequences of neglecting the elements that make up a balanced life.

If you want to excel in one aspect of your life, you must create balance by working on the other aspects simultaneously.

While some areas of your life will take precedence, it's still only part of the whole and always will be.

If you work on one thing like your career, but ignore the others (relationships, health, mental, emotional and spiritual well-being), then at some point even the thing you have worked so hard to achieve will fall to pieces.

Who wants to be successful and sick? Rich and alone? Famous but mentally ill? A high achiever with no friends?

And for those of us who may never have experienced a real, healthy partner-type love relationship, not only must we, uh... I mean, you... be open to it, you must work on the shadowy aspects of yourself that have prevented a fruitful experience in that aspect of your life.

But you know all this. I've written about it before.

It's all about taking responsibility.

You want love? Get in there and get messy. Love is messy. Screw Biden and his motto that "Life is short. Have an affair." What he's really selling is:

"Why work on yourself or your relationship when escapism is way more fun?"

And of course his 'marital affairs' dating site is busy because people buy into it just the way they buy into movies that worship unrequited love.

If it never goes further than an 'illicit encounter' then you never have to deal with the realities associated with a real person - or the challenges.

But just ask most European, mistress-supporting men if they would leave their wives for their lustful companions and the answer will be a resounding no.

If that were to happen, then suddenly the mistress becomes the wife and will have to be replaced by yet another escape artiste.

And the cycle begins again.

The problem is - it's a cycle, not a spiral.

A spiral moves you forward - sometimes two steps forward, one step back - but it's forward just the same.

A cycle just brings you right back to where you started. And most people are stuck in cycles.

That's why they repeat the same bad relationship patterns over and over and over again.

You want to know the truth? I wrote that damn book because I was stuck in one of those cycles.

And I don't want to be in one anymore.

I'm writing this damn blog because I don't want to be stuck in a repetitive struggling career pattern because I can't make the leap of faith required to really make it work.

Nope. I don't want to be stuck ANY-MORE.

Not in love, not in my career, not anywhere in life.

It was time I moved out of the cycle and into the spiral.

And if I am convinced we are here to grow and learn about ourselves (and I am), then we can't do it in a vaccuum.

We can't do it alone. Nobody can.

We can't do it by ignoring a career we really want because it's not safe, not logical, nor fulfills the social expectations that surround us.

We can't do it by ditching, running away, or justifying, ie; not engaging fully, in yet another relationship because it bears the potential for heartache.

That's where I'm at.

And that's why I write about it.

Two months left in the experiment - so far, so good.