Is Unrequited Love as good as it gets?

I, for one, sure as hell hope not.

Unrequited: –adjective

1. not returned or reciprocated: unrequited love.
2. not avenged or retaliated: an unrequited wrong.
3. not repaid or satisfied. (*particularly poignant and effective in movies)

But the best way to explain unrequited love is to offer you a bit of dialogue from one of my favorite flicks - City Slickers:

Curly: I just turned around and rode away.

Mitch: Why?

Curly: I figured it wasn't going to get any better than that.

Mitch: Yeah, but you could have been, you know, with her.

Curly: I've been with lots of women.

Mitch: Yeah, but, you know, she could have been the love of your life.

Curly: She is.

-----

Well, that just sucks.

So the question becomes, why are audiences so drawn to love that can never be? Why doesn't SOMEBODY walk out of the theatre in protest when Romeo doesn't get to live out his life with Juliet?

WHY isn't SOMEONE besides ME, choked that Shakespeare could be such a heartless bastard and write the ending that he did?

And why are we OKAY with it?

Not only are we okay with it, we embrace it.

Unrequited love stories are often touted as the greatest love stories of all time.

We weep with bitter disappointment, yet secretly approve of Rick's anguish for Ilsa in Casablanca and applaud his sacrifice for true love and commend her loyalty to someone else.

How come nobody threw popcorn at the screen, outraged that two people who so obviously belonged together will never be?

Why do we pine at unrequited love, approve of its pain and feel satisfaction at the tragic ending of a story that by all logic, should have been 'just beginning'?

I'll tell you why.

Because it's easier.

If boy meets girl, falls in love with her and never gets her, then nothing can go wrong down the road the way it MIGHT if they actually decided that what they had was worth a shot - you know, in the post-honeymoon period.

No siree. Their love is preserved forever in its sacrifical perfection and doesn't have to go through the nuances, the ups and downs, and the challenges of a long-term commitment...

...like extended family drama...

...or crazy Aunt Bessie who embarasses everyone at Xmas dinner by refusing to use her cutlery...

...or growing kids experimenting with drugs...

...or day-to-day routines like too much laundry, cooking supper, driving kids to soccer 7 days a week, poor grades in school, illnesses of every kind, and every other test that might stress 'true love' to the nines, whose elasticity suddenly might - JUST MIGHT - have a breaking point.

Then it wouldn't be true love anymore, would it?

True Love exists in perfection, just the way Plato imagined it would in what he called The World of the Forms.

Plato believed that all ideas on earth (everything from abstract concepts such as truth, honor, beauty and love, - to the original design of a chair), originated somewhere 'above us' in an ethereal world of perfection.

All ideas and concepts are pure in this realm and become somehow distorted by misunderstanding or misuse in ours.

And it's only the elevated/philosophical/spiritual man, who truly understands that our goal in life is to forever try and attain these ideals. And though we might come close, we can never really get there because we are, by nature, imperfect.

Except in death. Where we go back from whence we came.

Make sense?

So if you never try, you can never screw up. If you die, you can never screw up.

You get to keep the ideal of LOVE where it should be - in the World of the Forms - pure, untainted, unchallenged and... on some level, unattainable, except in theory - like in the movies.

But you'll never be disappointed.

So is unrequited love as good as it gets?

Only if you live in the World of the Forms it is.

And I don't know anybody who owns a condo there...

The Love Chronicles - Part IV - Redefining chemistry Who are you nuts for?

Chemistry:

1. the science that deals with the composition and properties of substances and various elementary forms of matter. (Hmmmm. Probably not)

2. chemical properties, reactions, phenomena, etc.: the chemistry of carbon.(Nope but moving in the right direction)

3. the interaction of one personality with another: The chemistry between him and his boss was all wrong. (closer - this definition could apply to romantic relationships)

4. sympathetic understanding; rapport: the astonishing chemistry between the actors. (Warmer!)

5. any or all of the elements that make up something: the chemistry of love.

BINGO!

Now THAT's what I'm talkin' about - the whole kit n' kabootle.

I realize I've broached this subject before in PART II of "The Love Chronicles: Love - what it is" but I really didn't do it justice.

I was still reeling from an experience similar to the one alluded to within the article, but deep down inside, there was a knowing that I had only scratched the surface of what chemistry truly is.

Chemistry: any or all of the elements that make up something. The chemistry of love.

People traditionally think of chemistry as the animal magnetism between two people who, if social decorum were not an issue, would be at each other like a couple of rabbits (or squirrels) - even in public (modesty be damned).

But it's much more than that.

As one gets older, one realizes that animal magnetism can only get you so far.

Ever been attracted to someone after a few drinks only to realize during your real first, follow-up (and sober) date a week later, you'd rather remember them as they were, wearing a halloween costume that made them look like Johnny Depp from Blow?

(Not that I'm speaking from experience or anything...)

The question simply becomes - does chemistry still exist when the dust settles? When all the other elements come into play?

Or when they say something for the first time do you look at them quizically and think to yourself:

It was the alcohol. You might be cute, but we have about as much in common as a moose and a mosquito. And though I will politely engage in conversation because you are after all, a human being, I would kill myself if I went out with you.

Call me fussy, but I want chemistry of mind and soul, followed by chemistry of attraction - as the latter is either enhanced or diminished by the first two.

Throw in common goals and interests and I'll be as turned on as Cleopatra was to Antony, as macaroni is to cheese and as peanut butter is to jam.

For me, finding a partner does not require that initial animal magnetism to create interest (though that may indeed happen) but rather, it requires "ALL the elements that make up chemistry".

If I meet a handsome man who lacks intelligence, suddenly he's not so hot.

If I meet a man who is accomplished, yet arrogant and mean, the thought of 'being with him grosses me out.

If I meet a man some would consider average, yet he is a spectacular human being, suddenly his ordinariness becomes an extraordinary aphrodisiac.

Then something that might have lacked the fairy-tale version of love-at-first-sight-chemistry, is transformed by inner qualities that manifest as charisma.

Not only does this hold greater appeal than any made-in-magazine chemistry could muster, but also carries within it the potential of longevity that can be sustained and enhanced for years to come.

Now THAT'S true love.

Hook me up with the real deal...

The rest just makes me squirrley.

The Love Chronicles - PART III - relationship drama anyone?

It was over coffee with a male friend that started it, followed by a great first date that amplified it, but over the last few days I've once again pondered the nature of love.

My friend asked me: "Can a romantic relationship exist without drama"?

Without so much as a moment's hesitation, I answered him in my most pshaw-ing, know-it-all voice:

"Of course it can".

And considering my love life has been anything but exemplary of such a statement over the last say, THIRTY YEARS... I had to stop and ask myself, what gives?

So here's my take on it.

Just because I think a relationship can exist without drama doesn't mean that it does.

(Small homage to the ones I've had)

Ah yes. 'Tis true. I am no stranger to patterns reminiscent of Shakespearean tragedies that have consistently followed me like a pack of unrelenting bloodhounds for the better part of my ENTIRE adult life...

So far...

So why the certainty that true love can exist without drama? Because it can. And more so - it SHOULD.

Anything less is not true love.

Oh shush, all you naysayers with your passionate embraces who cling woefully over the pendulum swing of pangs and ecstacies steeped in your negative relationship patterns.

If your feverish fantasies do not transform into the steady flame of consistent feelings of love, honesty and respect, then all you're getting is a little somethin' somethin' that will burn out as quickly as it flared up in the first place.

And if they don't and your pendulum keeps swinging in both directions, then I guarantee you will be relegated to an unhealthy emotional life whose imbalance may just cause you a heart condition for real.

But sadly, most people are addicted to their drama the way Canadians are to Tim Horton's coffee.

The question is... WHY?

Personally, I think it's because most people are bored.

They equate drama with excitement, the excitement eventually produces challenges (what comes up must come down), and this gives them a 'raison d'etre' - a reason for being. It occupies their mind, they keep 'busy' with fabricated problems, and nobody has to confront the meaning of their existence and do the work required to understand themselves and lead a healthier, more fruitful life.

I once dated a guy who, when he could not find drama in our relationship would create it out of habit. When I finally caught on to what he was doing during one of his tantrum-like obsessive tendencies, I turned to him and said:

me: "What are you doing"?

him: "What"?

me: "Do you realize how perfectly well we get along? We don't fight, we see eye to eye on most things and most of all, it's effortless. Do you agree how easy this relationship has been"?

him: "Yeah".

me: "Then why are you creating problems where none exist? You understand don't you, that you're unconciously sabottaging it"?

Silence

me: "If you keep it up, I guarantee it'll be over before you know it".

And sure enough, six months later, it was.

The same was true of the guy before him, who never felt as alive as when we were fighting, so would create uncomfortable situations that would eventually send me into a frenzy and when I was at my most exasperated, would sit there with a smug, satisfied look on his face as if something in him had just been appeased.

It took me a year to figure that one out.

A good relationship is one that is drama-free. Not problem-free as those are two completely different things, but drama-free.

Where one person does not throw things against the wall, where the fights are not like all-out wars based on mistrust and jealousies, followed by reassurances of absolute devotion that make Jonestown pale in comparison, and then topped off with make-up session of matching passions.

You can keep your drama. I don't care how good the sex is.

Next - redefining chemistry

The Love Chronicles - Love: what is it, why we seek it - Part II - What it is...

As per usual, much of what I've surmised about the nature of love stems from what what I think it isn't.

Goodbye to crack addictions, Rene Descartes and looking for Mr. Goodbar.

I know what you’re thinking.

You think this entry is going to be about saying good bye to a drug addiction. Could it be... cocaine? Crack? Meth? Well, I've never been a drug user. Besides, the only mildly interesting drug addiction stories come from the rich n' famous like self-admitted former meth user Andre Aggasi. (And even then...).

I am however, going to talk about being addicted to love. (Sing it to me Robert Palmer).

Well, it’s not so much love (or maybe it is, I don’t know), but meeting someone that does something to your senses.

You know: your sense of well being, your sense of logic, your sense of what comprises sanity and yes... even your sense of yourself. That’s a lot of sense for something that rarely makes a whole lot of sense.

Someone that says all the right things, looks at you just the right way, smells like you imagine they should smell... and when they’re near you, the world around just melts away and you’re both just standing there on an island called, It’s all about us, it’s always been about us, and it will always BE about us.

And the worse part? All you want to do is touch them. Just a little bit. Like, put your pinky on their clavicle or something. Place the tip of your nose one inch from the nape of their neck. Feel the crook of their elbow. Stare at their lips from really close up for no reason at all.

Oh yeah. It’s not just men who get like this. No siree. It’s women too.

Guys call it chemistry. A woman however, will say they’ve just “rekindled a past life connection” because to them nothing is ‘just chemistry’.

Actually to them, nothing is simple or easy. If it doesn’t have romance attached to it, they come up with another explanation.

Sometimes I think that’s the main difference between our sexes. Guys feel it too, but women, turn it into a made-for-tv mini-series.

I think a guy feels ‘chemistry’ with a lot of women. Women do too, but for the most part, most men analyze it differently. Or perhaps not at all. Men accept it for what it is - chemistry. In a way, I envy that.

Women want an explanation.

A woman will question it to death. Like when she meets a guy she hardly knows but trusts her instincts that he's no good for her. Then after she tells him "it’s just not gonna work", it causes an illogical amount of weeping for no reason whatsoever because they never had more than a handful of dates, never mind pursued a relationship.

Frankly, I'd rather have a root canal.

To us, that’s not a chemistry thing. (It might be an imbalance of sorts, but it’s not just a chemistry thing). That’s a karmic wheel spinning out of control, that’s what that is.

Because it comes with an intensity that takes a few lifetimes to build. How do you know? It’s there in an instant. And if you think I’m crazy, there’s got to be someone you know that has or once 'had a thing’ for someone that made you want to pull them aside and say:

What hypnotist brainwashed you two into being together? 'Cause your fatal attraction is about as logical as a gazelle mating with a lion!

But that doesn't mean it's good for you. Even if you could prove you two had a thing for each other back in the Ming Dynasty era.

Chemistry. It can take place in all shapes and forms without so much as a 'logical' explanation.

But that’s not the point is it? As we age, the point becomes more readily defined.

The point becomes: Is this person good for me or not?

That is another matter entirely.

If having an affair was good for you, people’s lives wouldn’t be ruined by it, people wouldn’t die over it.

I’ve read statistical information that says when men are ready to get involved they pretty much attach themselves to the next best thing that comes along. Can life get any less complicated than that? In my view, this kinda sucks. But apparently the same is true of women - especially those whose biological clock is ticking.

They’re not romantic interests, they’re potential candidates.

Hogwash. That may be true for some people but I for one, refuse to believe it.

Leave me in my rose-colored glasses world of fairies, fantasies and happily ever after. Damn all your theories. Damn them all to hell!

Cogito Ergo Sum: “I think, therefore I am.” Descartes.

That’s what I really think. But by now, you know this about me.

If you think love is a game, then it is. If you think it’s timing, then it is.

And if you think it’s destiny, then it’s that too.

But the one thing you can’t argue with is this...

If it’s bad news for you, then you’ll know it in your gut. And if you continue to engage with the wrong person, then it’s nobody’s fault but your own.

The hardest thing to do is walk away from someone with whom there is more combustible energy than Chernobyl. But look what happened there.

At this point in my life, chemistry is not enough. It’s pretty damn good, but not enough.

I can’t grow old with chemistry. It won’t warm me when the fire goes out. I want someone that gives me room to be myself, room to grow, appreciates who I am, someone who is inherently kind without having to work at it, someone who gets me and someone I can laugh with.

If I can sit in comfortable silence with that person without ever feeling like someone has to say or do something, then I'll know. And if the simplicity of their very presence brings out the best in me, that will seal it.

I want soft, burning embers.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not ready to give up chemistry - not by a long shot. Without it, there's always a little something missing.

But being drawn to someone because you haven’t dated in a really long time is not chemistry either. That’s just hormones talking.

Nope. It’s time to trust my intuition.

I just want to know how many frogs I gotta kiss first. ‘Cause I think I need some chapstick...

Next - Why we seek it

The Love Chronicles - Love: what it is, why we seek it Part I

Following the Ashley Madison controversy, I thought it was high time the pendulum swung the other way. And according to most websites and newspapers that refuse to carry ads for the adultery-promoting website, (thank-you world), I'd like to think most people understand the significance of love, even if they don't understand how it works, where to find it or if they will ever be privileged enough to experience it.

So this series is for my AP (and every other letter of the alphabet still patiently waiting for the real thing)

I'd like to begin with a section from Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet:

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."

And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

-----

Next: What it is.